Every cloud has a silver lining

Despite my supposed "zen state", I really do not believe I have the heart to take another series of Suns playoff basketball in which we get bounced in the first round. Particularly against the Lakers, whom I hate losing to.,

Watching Kobe get 50 against J-Rich, Steve Nash making D-Fish look like he's Deron Williams, Lamar Odom actually knocking down jump shots, Luke Walton giving actual production, and Shaq getting called for fouls including, but not limited to: breathing too heavily when near Pau Gasol, sweating excessively in the presence of Pau Gasol, staring menacingly at Pau Gasol, and dissing Pau Gasol's floppy locks/floppy play.

Here's the hypothetical match reports for our 2009-2010 playoffs exit at the hands of our hypothetical first-round opponents.

Game 1: Lakers 115 Suns 114

Heartbreak Game 1: Suns start brightly, dominate the first half, head into the break with a 40 point lead with an efficient and balanced offense. Midway through the 3rd quarter, with the Suns up by 34, Shaq gets called for a flagrant II and is ejected when he inhales too heavily near Pau Gasol. Pau Gasol heads to the locker room for treatment, whilst Suns players have to restrain Shaq. Jared Dudley is subsequently dealt a one-match ban for leaving the bench to restrain Shaq, as was Shaq himself for the brutal foul on Pauline Gaysol. Lakers cut it to 25 on a flurry of long treys from Lamar Odom, a reputable deadeye long-range sharpshooting specialist.

Suns squander a 25 point 4th quarter lead, with Derek Fisher slicing and powering through the lane for emphatic dunks. Suns players either throw the ball around like a hot potato, or jack it up like a hot potato, and are outscored 17-2 in the final 3 1/2 minutes, with Matt Barnes trying to get all Kobe-like and clanking 5, no 6 consecutive fadeaway threes. Meanwhile, Kobe scores 10 points in that same 3 minute bracket while being "guarded" by J-Rich. Kobe dunks on Lopez, who rotated over in time to challenge Kobe's navel/midriff on the dunk and gets to claim involvement in the And1 play. Nash regrets passing to Barnes in the crucial moments, and decides to attempt even flashier passes to Barnes in said possessions, resulting in even worse shots for the Suns(ie, none). In the final few seconds, with the Lakers down by 1, Pau Gasol outmuscles and outleaps everyone around him, soaring for a powerful rebound amidst a sea of defenders, and lands with his 5th rebound of the game - and finds himself surrounded by 4 guys in Laker jerseys. Grant Hill gets called for a personal foul on Pauline, despite being 30 feet away, and Pauline sinks the game-clinching free throws.

Heartbreak Game 2: Lakers 122 - Suns 121

With Shaq and Dudley suspended, Gentry is forced to go even smaller. Hill starts at C, Barnes at PF, Barbarosa at SF, J-Rich at SG, and Nash at PG. Bynum is still out, and the Lakers lineup Pauline, Lamer, Trevor, Kobe, and FIsher.

Grant Hill, facing a serious mismatch down low in the post, abuses Pauline constantly on box-outs and in battling for post position. Phil Jackson reacts by sending a double-team whenever Grant receives the ball in the post. Grant Hill complains about his touches in the post, and asks Nash to feed him more. Nash scores 37 pts on 15/18 FG with 14 assists. Unfortunately, Derk Fisher scores 38 pts on 16/16 FG with Nash draped all over him. Grant Hill heads into the 4th quarter with 33 pts, 17 boards and 5 blocks, but is only 4 of 14 on free throws. Hill assures Gentry that "he'll make them when it counts". Phil goes to the Hack-a-Grant in midway during the 4th quarter. Grant Hill makes his first free throw, and misses the next 7. Grant is too tired to make an impact in the 4th quarter. In addition, his poor effort on defending pick-and-rolls meant he gave up numerous open jumpers to Pauline and Fishie, whilst his severe lack of footspeed meant they could get the layup even if Nash went up over the screen(which he never does, incidentally).

Final possession, Suns up by 3. Kobe, guarded by Barnes, gets the ball in an isolation set, near the right baseline. Kobe jab-steps and pump-fakes, then attempts a turnaround fadeaway over Barnes from 21 feet at the right baseline. It clanks off the front of the rim. J-Rich is called for a shooting foul, on Kobe, despite sticking next to Sasha Vujacic in the left corner . J-Rich protests his innocence, and walks over to confront Kobe. The ref, a new guy called Davie Sturn, gives double technicals, for J-Rich and Gentry, who fell asleep on the bench. Kobe gets 4 free throws, 2 for the techs and 2 for the shooting foul. Kobe misses the first technical free throw, but Sturn calls for a lane violation on Nash, who's standing at the 3 point arc. Kobe makes this one, and the second technical free throw. Suns up by 1. Kobe misses both free throws for the shooting foul, but Shaq is adjudged to have fouled Pauline on the box-out. Either that, or excessive eye contact whilst on the bench. Pauline wins the game with 2 free throws.

Heartbreak game 3: Lakers 137 - Suns 92

Bynum and Stoudemire miraculously recover in time for the pivotal game 3. Pauline giggles with glee, as she gets to escape getting banged by big fat Shaq. Stoudemire comes out aggressive, and scores the first 15 baskets for the Suns, in addition to 8 of 8 free throws, all in the first quarter. In addition, he grabs11 offensive boards in the first quarter alone. However, Kobe has similary come out on fire, and scores 35 first quarter points. Suns lead 38-35.

Both coaches respond to the game situation by bringing on their best defenders, and putting them on the opposing superstar. Gentry sends out his trump card, Steve Nash, a highly regarded stopper known for his(often) disputable tactics, which involves finger-in-your-eye and foot-beneath-yours-when-you-jump. Kobe is locked down tight and is held to 0 of 8 FGs in the 2nd quarter, in addition to 7 turnovers. Kobe refuses to acknowledge the presence of the defensive ace as the reason for his misses. Phil Jackson criticises Kobe's shot selection, but Kobe insists that they were "open, and good looks that just weren't staying down".

Phil responds to the Suns' defensive masterclass by sending on Luke Walton to shadow Stoudemire. On his first defensive possession, Luke soars into the sky and blocks Stoudemire's layup attempt. The ball soars beyond halfcourt and continues sailing, and goes right into the hoop. Swish. Stat-keepers are unsure of whether a block, or a three should be credited. They accredit both. Luke knows now the force of his father's spirit is with him, and on the next possession, blocks Stoudemire's shot into Barbarosa's face, knocking him out stone cold. Tragically, the ricochet killed a promising 15 year old high school student in the stands, fuelling the anger of PETA protesters who insist that "leather is murder". Stoudemire would not score, rebound, have an assist, or block, or steal in the next 25 minutes of play.

Knowing now the true meaning of basketball, Luke finally starts to play like a man, and winds up with 15 blocks on Stoudemire alone, and 29 in total, equalling his career totals in one game alone. Luke also grabbed 32 consecutive rebounds in a stretch of 24 minutes, and led all players with 43 and 40 for a historic triple double, with twenty of his baskets coming off of putback dunks. 

Chants of "MVP" can be heard when Kobe scores his next, and last basket, for a total of 37, on 15/62 FG. Despite the legendary breakout performance of Luke Walton, post-game interviewers were all over Kobe's, and Amare. Amare insinuates that he needs a more active role in the offense in order to produce, while Shaq blasts everyone for their defensive futility in letting Kobe go off for 37 points.

Heartbreak Game 4: Lakers 102 - Suns 0

The Suns don't even bother to show up. Their frail mentality and lack of championship poise betray them, and none of the players show up come game time. The locker room is gloomily quiet and deadly silent, because no one is there. The Suns players and their effort/energy level/desire/passion/discipline all stay home. A makeshift lineup of Steve Kerr, Robert Sarver, Alvin Gentry, Aaron Nelson, and Bill Cartwright is beaten soundly by the Lakers squad. The lethargic performance by the team in front of their home fans is lambasted by both Kerr and Sarver, who subsequently decide to move those very players in an effort to cut costs. Sarver is subsequently traded to the Bobcats for draft picks and money. Phoenix fans vehemently oppose the decision and lambast their owner for being cheap, but can you really blame a guy for tightening the purse strings in this sort of economy? Sigh.

In all seriousness, would you want to suffer the ignominy of another heart-breaking first-round playoff exit at the hands of a bitterly-hated rival? I didn't think so. Let Dallas/Denver/Portland/Whoever have that privilege/humiliation. Post-season losses are exponentially more heart-breaking then regular season losses; it's pick your poison. Me, I'm taking the choice whereby we DON'T lose to the Lakers in the first round of the playoffs. Hah, Laker fans, you couldn't beat us in the first round of the playoffs; never could!