Shaq Shocks America: Howard the Strawberry Shortcake of the NBA

Breaking News from the Bright Side of the Sun Fake News Division:

Shaquille O'Neal Shocks America (again)

Orlanda, Fl

In another series of shocking pronouncements, the US economic recovery ground to a halt as Wall Street CEOs were scandalized by Shaquille O'Neal's latest round of trash talk.

Reportedly, our sources (Yahoo!) reveal that Shaq was quoted to have said, “I’m really too old to be trying to outscore 18-year-olds.  It’s not really my role anymore.”

We have no proof that he went on to say, "Dwight Howard is the Strawberry Shortcake of the NBA."  However, it's entirely possible he could have had the opportunity to say it.  In fact, we consider it highly likely.

The incident came after Shaq's recent association of Chris Bosh and RuPaul and his long held assertion that Erick Dampier is really Ericka Dampier. 

"What Shaq is doing is the worst crime in America," said 50 billion dollar ponzi-schemer Bernie Madoff.  "After that raunchy stuff about ass-tasting and now this!"

Former CEO of Lehman Brothers, Richard S. Fuld, Jr. agreed.  "Shaq's smack isn't funny, it really depresses the country and the economy.  In that sense, it's really unpatriotic.  I find it hard to work following these harsh criticisms."

Meanwhile, FED Chairman Ben Bernanke braces for the stock market fall-out of Shaq's statements.  "Trash talk really doesn't have any place in sports.  I'm not aware that at anytime in the history of sports from ancient times to the current times, from the playground to professional arena, that anyone has engaged in such baseless and offensive conversation." said the FED Chairman this morning before an FOMC meeting on whether Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme tasted better and which should get much needed bailout money.

However, not all are offended by Shaq's portrayal of rival NBA players.  Richard Simmons said, "I think its GREAT for Dwight to release his inner Shortcake! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!"  We had to cut off the rest of his quote.

Richard Simmons is not the only Shaq fan left in America.  "Why not?  This feminization of the NBA is a positive step," suggested Gloria Steinem.  "The WNBA is crumbling.   That the only female referee has not been a big step forward into the million dollar locker rooms of the athletic world.   You pea-brained twits go on with your Rosy Palmer jokes..." she complained with disgust.

President Barack Obama issued a press release early this morning.  He personally requested, in the interest of international relations, that Shaq not call Yao Ming the "Shirley Temple of the NBA" anymore.