Well, here we are. 6-7 late in November, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM and GLOOOOOOOOOOOOOM are running around like hyperactive Chihuahuas that got into a stash of cocaine, the trade machine is broken from overuse, and the suicide watch is pulling down some heavy overtime.
What's the solution? No, it's not a trade - giving up Lopez, Nash, Grant Hill, and JRich for Jason Thompson is not going to make us a better team. Besides, for all the bold talk on this site, I've yet to see one of you Lazyboy GM's step up and ACTUALLY MAKE A TRADE! (myself included) So we, as a collective force, lack the will to make the tough choices to improve our pathetic, miserable team who can't even win 4 games in 5 nights against elite foes without two of our starters. The whole bunch of us are wimps.
I recently wrote an epic post (it compared favorably to 'War and Peace' in one review) which studied common factors in the last 27 NBA championships, and here's what I found.
1) The teams that won were good.
2) Good players cost a lot.
3) They were all lucky, too.
I then wrote another post inviting everyone to publicly say what they thought would fix our troubles. But between the first and second post, something was lost in the translation. We went looking for really good players, and we were very liberal in spending Sarver's millions, (as well as criticizing how he's done it in the past), but there is really no clear answer to this conundrum. We even had the next Bynum and Duncan sitting RIGHT ON THE END OF THE BENCH, and couldn't beat Miami. So it's clear that roster moves aren't enough. We need some LUCK!
Who has the most successful franchise in NBA history? The Boston Celtics. What is their mascot? A Leprechaun. We should kidnap that little bastard, dress him in orange and purple, and steal his gold so that we can create a hybrid bionic Jordan in an Ironman suit. And while we're at it, we should grab all those 4 leaf clovers they leave lying around.
Who is the second most successful franchise? The Lakers. What's the common thread though all those championships? Not Magic, or Shaq, or Kareem, or Kobe. No, It's FREAKING JACK NICHOLSON! Let's kidnap him, too. And waterboard him.
What else is lucky? Socks. Seriously, Lenny Dykstra was one of the most superstitious players in baseball, and if he was hitting, he never changed his socks. So I propose we steal baskets and baskets of Bill Russell's socks, and wear them. All at once. If Turk was wearing 8 pairs of Bill Russell's socks at one time, he'd be like 7'3", and could grab every rebound in sight. Think of how confused Charles and Kenny Smith would be. "Well, Chuck, the Suns are playing really big tonight." "Nah, they're Turrible. They sock."
Okay, so kidnapping is a felony, and stealing socks is at least a class 3 misdemeanor. So here's my solution. I am putting together a package of lucky things that every true Suns fan must own, and utilize, to bring us luck.
It's the Popiel Lucksterizer! Takes your cash and turns it into Thrash! Tired of trying to beat the Lakers with a lame girlie zone? With the Lucksterizer, the Lakers will fade like tin cans cut in half, or tomatoes sliced so thin you can read through them! Slices, dices, makes julienne fries in seconds! No need for Irrational Rants when you have the Lucksterizer! But wait, there's more!
Order today, and you'll get the Mini-Lucksterizer! So small it will fit in your pocket, you can take it right to courtside! Perfect for those late-game situations, where you need your center to sink his only three of the year, or when you need that elusive box out or hip check to put the Suns over the top! Suspensions will melt away with the Mini-Lucksterizer!
How much would YOU pay for this amazing product!?!?! Order today, and we'll DOUBLE the order! Keep one at home, and one at work! Give them to your friends - they'll thank you when the Suns all turn into Dennis Rodman! And we'll throw in a year's supply of bizarre lucky hair-dye! We'll even include a lifetime supply of full-body iron-on tattoos! And we'll include three year supply of apostrophes! Apostrophy all your favorite players! Nas'h! Hil'l! J'Rich! Fro'pez! And it's all yours for three easy payments of $99.95! Yes, that's right! Now YOU can own the luck that has been the exclusive domain of those big-market, big-spending teams! So call NOW! Operators are standing by. Visan and Mastercard accepted! Don't wait - order NOW! There's a freaking game tonight, and WE SUCK!
(shipping and handling not included all taxes and duties are additional no guarantee express or implied may contain pieces too small for toddlers not available in Arizona by order of the commissioner may cause irritation rashes or anal leakage in some cases lucksterizer is the exclusive property of the NBA not to be used in actual NBA games).
What about the Ref-O-matic? The Rebounderator? The Baskteball Snuggie? What's your million dollar idea?
I have a lucky coffee cup. And a lucky TV in my shop, which I haven't cleaned since the WCF. (I haven't washed the coffee cup either) I know some people here have lucky shirts that they get their girlfriends to wear (or not wear, in the case of 2nashty). So what's your lucky talisman? What are YOU going to do to help the Suns win tonight?