The Worst Sports Franchise Ever - The Memphis Grizzlies

To get myself into character for tonight's game, I'm going to point out every reason I can think of why the Grizzlies are a horrible idea for a sports franchise. If I miss anything, please feel free to pile on in the comments section.

P.S. - In case you were wondering, when I say "get myself into character", I'm referring to the vile combination of cycnicism, bitterness and joyless rage that I swirl myself into come gametime.


First of all, look at this. Grizzlies_medium



What the hell is that thing? A blue bear with yellow eyes and the fluffiest damn face that a bear has ever had. The very existence of this logo makes the NBA that much stupider. It's bloody embarrassing. Plus, it looks like it's supposed to look menacing but instead it looks like it's squinting. Perhaps it's trying to read a map to figure out how the hell to get back to Canada.


If the disgustingly lame logo isn't enough reason to hate this franchise, we have the magical talking feminine hygiene product, Michael Heisley. The guy actually low-balled his two first-round draftees this offseason, Xavier Henry and  Grievis Vasquez. Who the hell does he think he is, Bill Bidwill? He paid Michael Conley double what Jared Dudley was extended to (word up to EricSun89 for pointing that out), presumably to prove that it is indeed possible to be frugal and to overspend simultaneously. What a tool.


Grizzlies fans are harder to find in Memphis than actual grizzly bears, it seems. This town couldn't even draw a crowd for an NFL game when the Oilers played there briefly. One would assume that a pro team in Memphis would be a natural rival for Oklahoma City's Thunder, but the eight Grizzlies fans that we know of still think the Sonics exist.


I don't feel like talking about this today. Sorry.


Over the last few years, we have seen a laundry list of craptacular players who inflate their stats in order to make themselves seem like All-Stars. Only the Grizzlies have been fooled by them. We've also seen players that wouldn't be in the league at all, if not for the Memphis Grizzlies. Zach Randolph, Michael Conley, Allen Iverson, Antoine Walker, Darko Milicic, Brian Cardinal, Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton... this collection of turds and wankers have only served to make the NBA turdier. Thanks for the memories, Memphis.


Mr. David Stern, this franchise shouldn't exist. You could pull the plug on them midseason, and only the gamblers would notice. You could put Michael Heisley out on his ass, and perhaps be so kind as to let us all know where and when, so that we may bring our children and laugh at him.

Mr. Stern, we like our basketball. We take our basketball league seriously. We don't like that there is a team with a big, cuddly, blue bear as it's mascot. We don't like that their colors are dark blue, light blue, really light blue and yellow. That's lame.

Mr. Stern, imagine if there was only one Suns game that I could make it too all year. Imagine for that one game that I would be taking with me a cancer patient, an elderly relative, and the guy that landed the plane on the Hudson River. Then imagine if that one Suns game that I could go to with my cancer patient, elderly relative and the plane-landing guy, was against the Memphis Grizzlies. It would suck, Mr. Stern. It would be super lame, and this is your product I'm talking about.

Just something to consider, Mr. Stern. Eliminate this anus of a franchise. Contract the Grizz.


And thanks to you as well, Bright Siders. Happy hunting, and enjoy tonight's game.


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