As you all know, yesterday we traded Jason Richardson, Hedo Turkoglu, and Earl Clark for Vince Carter, Mickael Pietrus and Marcin "The Polish Hammer" Gortat. I have realized that we have acquired two bald players, Vince Carter and Marcin Gortat, and I thought, "Oh no! What about our reputation for being the team will the best hair?" after thinking this over I have come to the conclusion that bald players are the key to success, and history backs me up on this one.
A many of the past greats such as, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley and Karl Malone all sported shiny domes, thus combining for a total of 8 MVP's, 38 All-Star Appearances and 26 All-NBA First Team Selections, but "That Was Then, This is Now", Right? Wrong.
In the offseason of 2007, the suckish Boston Celtics traded about half their roster for bald old guys Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. Instant success! The Celtics go onto win the NBA Championship defeating the Lakers(Fakers), and continue to be one of the best franchises in the NBA, rumor has it Rondo is considering shaving his head clean to contiune the success when those old UBAMF(Unbadassmuthafuckas) retire(I made that up), but wait there's more!
In 2004, bald players Shaquille O'Neal and Derek Fisher ditched the Fake Show because they were pissed off that a team with bald players such as Karl Malone, Gary Payton, Shaq and Fisher lost the championship to a crazy haired Ben Wallace team. Still the Lakers got to the Finals with those players, so my theory is still valid. Shaq went to Miami and in return, the Lakers received crazy haired Brain Grant, normal Caron Butler(Who they traded for Kwame Brown, LOL FAIL) and bald Lamar Odom. The Lakers knew they didn't lose in the trade that much because they still got a bald guy, but obviously 2 bald guys > 1 bald guy, so they sucked. Until they got Fisher back. In 2007 Fisher signed with the Lakers to start his second stint, since then the Lakers have been in the Finals 3 times with Odom and Fisher leading the team in baldness, plus Fisher(I hate that guy) is a 5 time champion, soooo, there's another sucess story.
At the start of the 2006 playoffs, Dwayne Wade pissed his pants thinking about how the Heat wouldn't live up to the hype of having Shaq and Wade on the same team, so he knew he had 2 options, number 1, was to shave his head, number 2, was convice the guys in the Heat's FO to bribe the refs. So he shaved his head in the Bulls series, and whaddyaknow? The Heat won the championship.
This is my least favorite sucess story, but we all know about Bruce"The B*tch"Bowen, and how he is a champion blah blah blah, well being a dirty player, being bald and having Tim Donaghy fix the games for you, and you will most likely win the Championship.
With the recent trades the Magic made they probably think they will win the championship, WRONG! Too much hair, same with the Heat. I predict a Lakers-Celtics championship or the most probable Suns-Celtics :)
We all know how good Grant "Badass Motherfucka" Hill is, but he did not always have a little amount of hair visible, look at his early days with the Pistons and early days with the Magic. Nowadays, with Grant Hill is kinda bald, and his career has been rejuvenated and he is a BAMF once again(but he always was so the prior sentence makes no sense but I don't feel like rewriting it).
So I have no doubt that Gortat and Carter will bring us success for the reasons listed above. So stay positive because we have some great things to be excited about.
(Note: This Fanpost in no-way serious, I wanted to write a Fanpost that wasn't rosterbating, but I got writers block and decided to write this. This Fanpost is in every way a joke.)