Why I disrespect the Blazers and their fans


If you don't put on The Gourds' cover of Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice" (ty Mike) you should just go ahead and skip this post - it's not for you and you will not be able to even comprehend the vibe - it will be a like a dog whistle that rallies the neighborhood skankery but will leave you scratchin' your thick noggin with all the lucidity of a carton of milk duds.

Don't waste your time, even if you have nothing better to do, which I suspect you don't.


You might think after the rousing steal of Game 1, the Blazers and their fans might deserve some credit.  Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Their team is up-and-coming.  They put on a nice show without their best player.  On SBN, they got a lot of posters.  Some of them are polite.  After all, a little respect, some argue, might have prevented that lackadaisical train wreck of a game (Casey Jones in the house!), that new entry in the ongoing saga of nationally televised embarrassments hosted by your Phoenix Suns.

Wah wah.

Sorry, I just can't get up for any of that. 


Why the blazers suck and their fans all puiz*&^%#$*&%$*(#^zants.

Seeing the Blazers in the playoffs is immensely enjoyable.   I'm elated that the Blazers and the Thunder have once again seen fit to crack to top half of the Western Conference with their pre-pubescent teams.  That's really great.  But how many young teams have come up like that only to evaporate a year later, their young promises blowing in the weed like a sour hit off of spent pot ashes?  Chicago comes to mind. 

Seeing the Blazers in the postseason is like seeing your kid come home from juvvy.  You're happy to see him, but you know next week he'll probably be back in detention again for another long haul.  Thanks for visiting!

I hear on and on about the young talent stockpiled in Portland.  But let's face it, it was grizzly vets Miller and Camby that made things happen in Game 1.  Two old-timers that lit things up and shut Amare down. 

Even if the Blazers were to erupt and win this series, such a lofty achievement does not even put them on par with other one-hit wonders like the Golden State Warriors.

Meanwhile, what to make of their loyal following of hopeful fans, who are high on the sugar of youth potential that fuels all bad team fandom?  Frankly, they aren't worth my association any more than the earthworm that's gonna be hooked on my fishing pole.  Granted, perhaps I'd set aside my displeasure with Blazers fans to help save a child fallen in a well, but that's about it.


Why giving respect is just wrong. 

The Blazers fans cruise over here with all the aplomb of unemployed rocket scientists, cap in hand begging for a heaping handout of respect. Some come over with the typical fan French snobbery (which I like, btw), others come over with that ingratiating "I'll show you respect and then you'll respect me" bit.  Nope.  I don't respect you enough to even care if you respect me.

How would anything of import ever get done in the world if we doled out respect like foodstamps?  What if Elliot Ness respected Al Capone?  Big Killa Al Capone was deserving ya think?  That's why Al Capone stayed on top for so long.  The Blazers are no Al Capone anyway.  Fuck that!

You win some games.  You get to the postseason after wallowing in the lottery for more years than my sister has been drinking whiskey.  You think you have a perennial Exec of the Year, COYs, ROYs, MVP-in-waiting and whatever.  Sing those praises around your campfire, the rest of us are wearing are headphones to drown those sorry self-indulgent hymns.  It will take years of success upon success before I'll hear them.  Your team may be up 1-0, got home court, but I've lost no sleep and I'm not crying, except to put up with your smug posts.  I'm looking forward to more good games.

I hereby disown any Suns fan that spends today in a vague fog of fear - you know the players don't share your foreboding cowardice.  They will go into this game resilient and fearless.  They'll come out with the confidence of an undefeated heavyweight champion.  They've been here before, they'll be here again.  Sure they've lost before, but they've also won a lot of crazy games they shouldn't have.  Never damn me the odds.

Rock out loud - it's the playoffs and I've been waiting all year for these games.  Win or lose I just want to see my team come out and play viciously and fearlessly and let's have some damn good games.   If the Suns are going to go out in flash, let it be a blaze of glory rather than a whimper.  Even the mighty Bob Marley was brought to an early rest by glorified toe jam.  Does it lessen the legend that is Bob Marley?   Do I even care whatever random infection that killed him?  No - who gives a fuck about that?

So, in the end, I disrespect the Portland Trailblazers as a basketball team and their fans as fans, but it's nothing personal.  I want your team to lose, I want my team to win, I want you to cry, I want you to die a horribly painful death, I want to stomp on your bleached bones and piss on your tombstone and I want the fun to keep rolling in Phoenix.

I can't wait for Game 2, you bitches.

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