In a shocking turn of events, Arizona residents have united with Mexican nationals in an emergency effort to move the border fence to cut off California.
Immigration from California to Arizona has been going on for decades, policy experts say, bringing with them inflation, mental disorders of all kinds, crime and grave environmental problems, most notably, SMUG.
However, recent events have exacerbated the problems along the Arizona-California border. California's beach-burned mentality has erupted with news that rival teams will meet in the NBA Western Conference Finals.
Sunday, the Phoenix Suns swept the San Antonio Spurs to return to the Western Conference Finals for the first time since 2004-2005. There, the Suns will meet the Los Angeles Lakers in what is likely to be a contentious NBA Playoff battle.
Combined with California's weak economy and low moral standards, the upcoming NBA playoff series wraps gasoline in paper. After the jump we tell you what's happening right now and what you can do about it.
We Report, You Decide!
In the past 24-hours, the Great State of Arizona has received a terrible and dramatic influx of Lakers fans.
Public health officials fear that idiocy, associated with Californians, is contagious disease and is often acquired from unsafe viewing of Lakers games. These officials caution Arizonans not to have unprotected contact with these rabid Lakers fans.
"You meet a basketball fan at a bar. After a few beers, you might want to watch a game with them. Ask questions first. Talk about what other teams you've rooted for in the past before you view that game with them." said one safe-viewing advocate.
Our safe-viewing advocate explained to us that contagious, diseased Lakers fans are easy to identify, "They never lie about their condition. They'll tell you even if you don't plan to watch a game with them."
What Arizona is doing to curb the infestation
In the meantime, the Governor's office has responded to the flood of complaints by Arizona residents and has mobilized the toughest Sheriff in America, Sheriff Joe Arpaio to hold off the Laker Horde.
Defending the abrupt change in border patrol, Joe Arpaio had this to say, "Hey look, we are still patrolling and defending our borders.... We are just choosing to defend our border to the West rather than the South." Later he added, "That's where the public health concerns are."
Arizona State Governor Jan Brewer was quick to point out the issue was with "Californians" and not with Hispanics, who represent between 30 and 40% of the populations of both California and Arizona. The Governor went on to cite Phil Jackson, the climate and the economy as the main reasons Californians were so dangerous.
Several racist and bigoted think-tanks also supported the change. "There's more Lakers fans in California than in Mexico anyway."
Some sympathy groups point out that Suns fans may have family on the other side of the fence. For example, even here, our very own Mike Lisboa lives behind enemy lines. This fence will cut him off from us forever.
Other Measures being taken by local citizens
Meanwhile, several well-known local entrepreneurs have looked into sprucing up the border's barriers with more historically pleasing and touristy solutions. For instance, the McCulloch family has some interest in doing something notable.
"The Berlin Wall, along with the London Bridge, would be a great addition to the Lake Havasu area." says one McCulloch. "Our main issue is that part of the wall has been torn down. Those German savages don't know the meaning of maintenance."
All Arizonans interviewed agreed that something radical had to be done, and fast. Several fan groups have argued that if drastic measures are not taken, forced deportation may result.
"It's in the best interest not only of Arizona residents, but also rabid Lakers fans that they are kept out of Arizona." explained one humanitarian. "Lakers fans may suffer severe psychological, emotional and even physical humiliation at the hands of Suns fans."
Such deportations would not be the first conducted by the Sheriff's departments in Arizona. In 1917, 2,000 deputized Sheriff vigilantes famously and rightfully deported some 1300 Laker Fans, their supporters, and innocent citizen bystanders on July 12. The fans and others were kidnapped in the town of Bisbee, Arizona and held at a local baseball park, forced to watch little league games indefinitely. They were then loaded onto cattle cars, pre-loaded with manure and transported for 16 hours through the desert without food or water. The deportees were unloaded at Los Angeles, California, without money or transportation, and threatened not to return to Arizona.
...a Sheriff's posse of 1,200 men in Bisbee and 1,000 men in Douglas, all loyal Americans, [had formed] for the purpose of arresting on the charges of vagrancy, treason, trolling, smugness and of being disturbers of the peace of Arizona, all those strange men and women who have congregated here from other parts and sections for the purpose of harassing and intimidating all men and women who desire to enjoy their local NBA team.