Why the Lakers Can BLEEEEEEEEP

The Lakers are officially the NBA Champions again, which of course gives the collective whole of their feign, celebrity-induced fan base a reason to go out and get a spray-on tan in the morning after they’ve recovered from a long night of Appletinis and Cosmos. It also means that the internet’s sports blogs are going to be flooded with a relentless and steadfast number of troll comments from robot-voiced douche-bags singing their praises about the best team that money can buy.

Thursday’s game 7 was, indeed, exciting. Pure adrenaline was pumping through the veins of millions of viewers across the world. I bet it was exciting. I wouldn’t know, of course, because I was purposely napping through the game. I woke up in time to see the highlights of the game where I emotionlessly watched who was undeservedly crowned the kings of the basketball court.

I know a lot of you may be thinking that I’m just ranting because I’m a Lakers hater, and if the Celtics had won, I wouldn’t be writing this. Well, you’re wrong! I mean, I am, indeed, a full-time Lakers hater, but I still would have written this no matter what, and I’ll explain why…


(noun) The exclusive possession, control, or exercise of something.

Let’s talk about the Lakers and Celtics. The NBA Championship trophy has been hoisted above the heads of the winning team a grand total of 64 times. The Celtics and the Lakers have held that award 33 times. More than 50% of the time these two teams have found a way to win it all! That’s absurd! Neigh, that is monopolistic.

Now, I can’t speak for both teams’ 50’s, 60’s, or 70’s squads because I am not , but I can tell you that coming into the 2009/2010 season that these two teams were in the top 3 in team salaries, with the Celtics at $86.5 and the Lakers at a nutty $91 million!

And wouldn’t it be fitting that the best team money can buy win the championship? After all, that’s always the case, right? Ask Mark Cuban.

Let’s get down to it…

The Lakers are full of assholes. A large bunch of men - half of whom deserve to play for the 2010 Sacramento Kings – that rely solely on one giant, fist-pumping, lip-pouting douche-face that can somehow swish a shot, even when the defender is holding photographic evidence of his alleged rape in front of his face. But there are plenty of reasons the 2010 Lakers organization doesn’t deserve a Championship ring, so let’s get down to it…

Lamar Odom

He chose Khloe Kardashian? Is it because she looks like a spray-tanned marshmallow, you candy-loving, rebound-happy moron? Also, you stick out a lot in this photo ( )… That’s all I have to say about him.

Sasha Vagina-cic

Sasha’s good at his job. He gets paid to sit on the bench and ponder why he couldn’t make it as a star player for the Slovenian national team. Instead of trying to develop into a better player, he’s decided to become Phil Jackson’s bitch by massaging his hips until Jackson finally puts him into the game, where he effectively does nothing.

Ron Artest

This guy right here is bananas. From Hennessy at half-time to puppy negligence to successfully turning tough-nosed rivalry into a boxing match with the crowd, Ron Artest has proven to the world that he is the epitome of an utter idiot, an unbelievably lucky idiot whose only redeeming quality is that he can defend incredibly well.

The thing is that I can’t tell if he is just extremely awesome at acting bat-shit crazy or if he is actually just plain bonkers. Seriously, why would you make this ( if you’re right in the mind???

Phil Jackson

For some reason every NBA analyst decides to put this asshole on a list of the greatest coaches ever. I guess it could be thoroughly argued that because he has 239 championship rings*** he is better than any other coach in the history of the game. Now, I refuse to argue the true merits of his coaching skills, because he is actually a decent coach, but when the owner purchases the best players for you, it becomes a little easier for you to win.

Honestly, think about it. If the Lakers had kept Rudy TomTom or hired a Greg Popovich-like coach after Jackson retired in 2004 and had signed the same exact team, I believe they would have contended just as easily as they did this year.

Kobe Bryant

(Sigh)… I could protest until the morning sun rises about how much I hate this guy. I’ve read a lot of articles in my day about why people, including myself, hate Kobe Bryant. I’ve agreed with some of the reasons and disagreed with others, but the main reason I think Kobe is unlikable is because he’s insecure about how great he is.

Bryant is crazy awesome at basketball. Any hater will not deny that. It’s ridiculous how two hands in his face will not stop him from burying a game-winning shot. It’s absurd how he’s averaged 25 point per game throughout his career. It’s wacky that he scored 81 points in a game. But he’s so arrogant and cocky about it. Why can’t this jackass let his game speak for itself?

Tim Keown of ESPN said it best when he wrote about the Rockets-Lakers series last season. Shane Battier was guarding Kobe extremely well, but Kobe was Kobe and kept making his shots. At one point, when he jogged past commentators Doug Collins and Keven Harlen, Bryant egotistically exclaimed “He can’t guard me!” loud enough for the entire TNT viewer base to hear. Wow. Really, Kobe?

Keown writes:

“Everything he does reeks of insecurity, which is a really weird trait for a guy who -- along with LeBron James -- is a once-a-decade basketball talent. Unlike LeBron, though, Kobe can't let his game speak for him. He has to accentuate everything with the facial expressions and the dismissiveness. It's not enough for him to beat someone; he feels compelled to belittle that person in the process.”

Keown’s right. Suns fans will always remember the Raja Bell clothesline ( because it was as close to a real life reenactment of what we have all been dreaming about for years. But watch the video and observe Kobe’s reactions. His insecurity reeks through the screen. A confident and self-assured basketball player would have walked away and prepared to take their free throws, or they would have charged at the asshole (or hero in our case) that took them down. But Bryant pompously wipes his shoulders in an act of douche-baggery never before seen outside of the hills of California. It’s pathetic and I hate him for it.


So congratulations LA. You bought, I mean, brought a trophy to your city yet again. I could say you deserve it because you have some truly talented players that worked their butts off to have the opportunity to wear a championship ring. But you also have members of your organization that are unworthy of the merits that come with NBA’s top prize. So instead I‘ll say this to you:

Enjoy it because unless your superstar starts acting like a mature and confident basketball player, your team will never garner the respect a true NBA Champion deserves.



*** Enough, by the way, to fit 23 on each finger and toe and 9 on his Viagra-assisted erection…because he’s old…get it?...

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