Final Post for the 09/10 Suns... and the anatomy of a freakout

For all intents and purposes, the 09/10 edition of the Phoenix Suns ends on July 1st. The beginning of free agency, the first day of the post-Kerr era, and the time of year when Amare starts talking about how he plans to become a fear-instilling defensive force. Unfortunately, it is currently only June 22nd, and we've had nothing to do recently besides freak out and curse the existence of one Robert Sarver. So in an effort to marginally spice things up and to hopefully make the next eight days speed up a little bit, I figured I'd post some outlandish brain droppings and bizarre opinions.

So let's get started.

The past and future of Steve Nash's face

Seeing Steve Nash's face get rearranged into silly putty during the '10 playoffs, I started to wonder what he would look like after another ten years of playoff abuse. Using advanced graphical interpretation with super-duper futuristic prediction things, I was able to create Nash's exact appearance after precisely ten more playoff runs. See below.

The 2010 Playoffs:



The 2020 Playoffs: 



Yeah, it's not pretty. Someone help this man get a title before he gets fed to a pack of hungry pigs.

The Great Steve Kerr Freakout



Yes, believe or not the gentle looking man pictured above has actually induced utter panic in the world of Suns fans. Not for making another bad trade, or signing another unqualified head coach to a hefty contract (of which said coach would only have to do half a season's worth of work to earn), but for walking away from his position and leaving the ship rudderless in waters so murky they would put the Gulf of BP to shame. How will the franchise continue without it's savior/scapegoat/savior? Who will fill Steve's shoes? And which ones will be filled, the clown shoes or the genius shoes? Apparently, there are a couple different scenarios for why Steve left.

1. He wanted a raise from his current contract and stomped off like a little girl

This is believable enough. He finally got some results that justified his first contract, which overpaid him considerably, and the ultimate goal for any GM, coach or player in the NBA is to be as overpaid as possible. To justify your contract is to fail, to fleece the organization is to succeed (e.g., Terry Porter). This is Day One stuff.

2. He didn't feel like he had enough reign going into summer player negotiations and stomped off like a little girl

Also believable. Everyone thinks that they're smarter than their boss, and the GM/Owner dynamic is no different I'm sure. Time will tell (maybe) what differences there were between Kerr and Sarver regarding player negotiations, but if Steve's ego wasn't groomed properly and if daddy didn't give him the keys to the car, the old "F you, I quit" would have been the next step.

3. He wanted to spend more time with his family and stomped off like a little girl

This is the official story, and if the reports of Steve going back to TNT are true, it will amount to what most official stories amount to. A big steaming pot of bullshit. During basketball season the guy will be spending more time with Kenny Harlan than his own kids. Family engagements will be missed so he can make a flight to Cleveland to cover a Cavs/Bobcats game, and when he does get home he'll call his kids "Delonte" and "Mo" by mistake.

4. The truth (or my opinion, which is basically the same thing)

Steve Kerr is a genius. He's exiting stage at the height of his tenure, and saddling Bob Sarv with the ole Moron Meter. He's being portrayed as a victim. His reputation is in peak condition for any future negotiations for GM or even head coach openings. He left before this iffy summer unfolded, which could have put a chink in his aura of infallability. He will break someone's bank very soon, and whoever gives him the reigns better hope that Shaq and Porter were the exceptions, not the rule.

The Freakout

An amazing 09/10 season, my favorite Suns season ever, cannot be undone by anything that happens in the coming months, or even years. What has ensued is, at this point, a textbook media freakout. SARS, Reverend Wright and the Swine Flu all rolled into one freaky meltdown. The Suns fanbase as a whole was so passionately displeased with Kerr before this season that the passion mutated into a big gooey lovefest after his assembled team overachieved and actually made us envision a championship again. Now with his departure, that passion has turned into agony.


Years from now, we may look back on this summer and conclude that yes, Bob Sarv is a penny-pinching Ebenezer Scrooge. A fancypants swindler. A no-good huckster, and a mental midget to boot. If Sarv had kicked Kerr's ass to the curb a year ago, most of us woud be applauding him for being an intolerant hardass of an owner, hellbent on results at any cost. No one can say that this stuff isn't amusing.

As of right now, we have no indication (speculation doesn't count) of what direction the team is heading. Isn't it fun? Anything can happen! My humble advice to everyone is to enjoy this next week or two before we start getting an idea of what to expect from this franchise. Embrace the unknown, enjoy the unpredictablility. Liberate yourself from knowledge, and return with an unquenchable thirst!

Oh, and Amare is not worth a max contract. Sorry.

Happy hunting, everybody.


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