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Why the Suns will SUCK in 10/11


Throughout this stretch of slow hell that most people refer to as "summer", those of us that visit BSOTS regularly have been chirping away despite the lack of news. There have been freakouts, comedic ventures, statistical hodgepodgery, constipated discussions about a team that has yet to play a game, and some release of anger following the WCF and consequent Finals victory by the dreaded purple-and-yellow (not gold, YELLOW).

Amongst the chirping there have been accusations of homerism, kool-aid drinking, and rose-colored (or purple-and-orange colored) glasses. OK, fine. Now it's on. People don't think BSOTS can cover all angles? What are we, a bunch of cheerleaders hoping to catch a whiff of the star quarterback's underpants? Hell no. In the immortal words of The Dude... this agression will not stand, man. 

So to satisfy those who have been frustrated that this fan site is seemingly one-sided in it's tone and coverage, and are left longing for more balanced reporting, I give you five reasons why the Phoenix Suns will suck hard in 2010/11, in no particular order. Jump it, homer.

1. Jared Dudley Has Not Been Traded

It was a more active offseason than many of us were expecting, but sadly that unathletic, twit-headed borderline D-Leaguer is still a Sun. Hey Jared, didn't anyone tell you that headbands aren't cool anymore? Especially black ones that hardly complement the color scheme of orange and gray with white socks? Too bad you couldn't get more time in with Larry Brown to work on your intangibles, because if your intangibles were tangible they would tangibly suck. Your days are numbered, pal. Let the Suns move on from you already.

2. That Nashty Hill is Old as Balls

I'm sorry, did I walk into an old-timers game? Is Kevin Willis available for a tryout? If two of your starters combined are older than Dustin Hoffman, you better have plenty of oatmeal for the postgame spread. If two of your starters came into the league back when the Indiana Pacers were still relevant, be prepared to mix in some Lawrence Welk episodes with the game film. If two of your starters were playing before Bill met Monica, you might want to hire a GI doctor onto the medical staff. To quote Marsellus Wallace (substituting "MFer" with "pumpkineater"),

This business is filled to the brim with unrealistic pumpkineaters. Pumpkineaters who thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't.

^Truth.

3. Hedo - Worst Trade Ever

Now don't get me wrong; I think Hedo is a very talented guy and he has an insatiable hunger for competition. If you're putting together a team of elite individuals you could do no worse than Hedo Turkoglu... if said team is competing in a hot dog-eating contest. Unfortunately, it seems that the Suns will be paying him $40 mil to play basketball. Obviously this was a conspiracy that went all the way to Bob Sarv's office. Lonny Babs was Hedo's former agent, the Suns trade for Hedo, Babs takes a front office position, clearly this is like "The Producers", wherein both Sarv and Babs are trying to field the worst possible team because they found some sort of loophole that allows them to make more money by sucking really bad. It's the only explanation. Roswell, JFK, Turkoglu. It fits.

4. No Amare, No Chance

What's that, Sarv? It wasn't worth the risk to give Black Jesus a guaranteed five-year deal? Hmm... well maybe you'd like to explain why the New York Knicks, the absolute glowing standard for sound financial decision-making, thought otherwise? It's not rocket science, Sarvo. Take a page from someone else's book for a change. As Amare's arm says: "Knowing is knowledge". Recognize.

5. Robin Lopez is Doomed

Have you seen how big this guy is? He's like, seven feet tall. By my measurements, that makes his spine, like, four feet tall. If you pulled out Robin's spine and it grew limbs, it could be a gymnast. That's how big his spine is. So when he has a spondoidkglythismnis on his lumbar region and his vertabraes are all chipped away like rotten teeth, that means he's screwed. And before you say something like "You're not a doctor, hur hur", let me say that you don't need a doctorate to draw your own conclusions. It's called the University of Common Sense, and my friends, tuition is free.

So there you have it, five irrefutable reasons why our lives as Suns fans will suck for the next year. Most of you will not enjoy this upcoming year of suck, but it's ok because there are quite a few of you who will bask in the shining glory of I-told-you-so and the investment you made on the $20 t-shirt that says "#1 GENIUS" will prove to be a sound one indeed. You know who you are, and congratulations.

Happy hunting, everyone.

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