How to Stop Rosterbating 101.....

The first step in dealing with any problem is to first admit you have a problem. If you have concocted a trade for Blake Griffin by giving away spare body parts or if you believe Phoenix will give up Nash for the carcass of Yao Ming, you may want to read further...

Decide whether your rosterbation level is a cause for concern. Rosterbation has become an obsession when it interferes with your daily routine, your sex life, and your BSOTS relationships. If the trade machine is your idea of a perfect marriage….If you find yourself rosterbating instead of spending time on more important things like eating, sleeping, washing your butt, or even getting up to use the bathroom, then it might be time to break the cycle of behavior you are in.

Isolate the cause. There is a reason or reasons you rosterbate excessively, and you must find out why. If you concentrate on just stopping rosterbation then you will just return to manhandling your trade package after a short period of success. So, why do you rosterbate? It could be because you are bored, lonely, hurt, stressed, or it could be because of pains from the current season. You're going to have to get yourself in a relaxed state conducive to productive thought to really find out why you turn to rosterbation. What are you trying to escape? Scott Howard? The NBA Lottery? Vince Carter? The fact we have never get free tacos when you show up at the arena? Avoid focusing on symptoms. Saying you rosterbate because the trades feel so, so good is not the real reason you rosterbate excessively. Dig deep into your feelings about the Suns. If you find this part difficult you may need therapy to help you discover feelings you are not seeing clearly right now. Dr. Haremoor is always available...

Deal with your feelings. Dealing with feelings concerning the Suns roster is a skill and may be a skill you have forgotten or need to learn. Feelings are the result of thoughts concerning our interpretation of the world and ourselves. Sure we all fantasize about going to the championship...that’s normal, but our minds determine how we feel about things (Do you think we still have a chance or do you feel we just suck?). If you rosterbate because you feel ashamed about the current Suns roster then it is because you decided to feel ashamed. Nobody made you feel ashamed…If it’s that bad, we will all pitch in and buy you a grocery sack to wear over your head….Just please step away from the trade machine…  

Change the thought patterns that are leading to excessive rosterbation. You can no longer see rosterbation as a solution to your boredom, loneliness, or coping with 2NASHTY’s horrendous grammar. The more you learn to enjoy your everyday Suns life and appreciate the good, the less you will want to turn to rosterbation.  We will all thank you...

Narrow down the times of the day that seem to be the biggest problem for you. Isolating the times of the day that you struggle the most can help you to focus your efforts better to overcome rosterbation addiction. If you know you struggle most when you lay down at night then you can create a plan specific to that time of day, for example do not lay down....Ever! Maybe you might need to jaunt on over to SS& R and burn some testosterone before going to bed. Trying to understand the Lakers Lunatic fringe will also help you to be more tired and fall asleep faster. That way, you won’t have the energy to experiment on the trade machine. If you struggle at different times of the day or several times throughout the day then you are probably screwed…Just say No!!!!!

Spend some time each day, perhaps in the morning, visualizing a new you. A more confident, sociable, outgoing you (that’s not posting 10 trade fan posts a day). It's important that you start reprogramming your brain on a daily basis. (I love the Suns. I love the Suns. I love the Suns….I will not crank out fan posts like a puppy mill…) It may seem awkward at first but if you persist, you will become more comfortable with your new self-image. BTW, it’s hard to grab ahold of the new you with your hands continually wrapped around your trade package….

Change your habits. You cannot overcome a rosterbation addiction so long as you are spending a lot of time alone in your bedroom viewing the Sacremento Kings roster. Get out and meet people. Form healthy BSOTS relationships and perhaps find another outlet for your energy….like actually responding to people in the fanposts you create.

Have an emergency way out - When the wave of temptation comes you need to have a pre-planned emergency way out. Many people have found that placing a 1000 volt electro-shock device on their forehead helps break the automatic thought chain that leads to rosterbation. Of course you don't want to hurt yourself (too bad, anyways), but you have to do what you must to break yourself away from the trade-machine. By any means necessary to get your mind off rosterbating that trade where the Clippers give us Blake Griffin for Garrettt Siler's jock strap and a whopper cheese combo..


  • Never give up can and will overcome the rosterbation addiction. Just because you may slip and create a irrational three team deal doesn't mean you are doomed to forever toss your trade spunk. Call Michael A. Xidis or coachj14 if you need help.
  • It is all in your brain, you can always replace your thoughts with blank ones if you really have to. (Think of some of the more profound statements Earl Clark has made in his career…) You have the power to stop it.
  • If you have the tendency to rosterbate by looking at team rosters on the Internet, try moving your computer into a room where others can see you. The shame of your family/friends catching you perusing Philadelphia’s roster will surely cause you to think twice…
  • Consider installing trade machine-blocking software on your computer. Of course you will know the password to bypass the blocking function, but just having it pop up will give you a chance to reconsider the asinine trade you have just concocted, and hopefully move to another activity instead of rosterbating.

Don't go through 2011 the same way you came in...Your palms will definitely thank us.... 

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