The Government has today issued an urgent message to all residents in the state of Arizona warning them of a potentially debilitating disease which is spreading throughout the region at an alarming rate.
'Gortatitis', as it is being called, is believed to have affected a growing number of people in the Phoenix area as well as as some cases being reported as far afield as Poland. The virus has been in Phoenix since mid-December 2010 although there is research to suggest that it may have struck earlier than that, especially amongst the vulnerable. Phoenix Suns fans are being advised to be more vigilante than ever over the coming months as it has been discovered that upward of 90% of all Gortatitis sufferers are Suns fans.
In some extreme cases, the victims have been heard to talk in tongues, frequently mentioning 'About time the Suns had a good centre...'. This phrase is just one of the identifiable symptoms to look out for when trying to establish those in need of treatment.
Other symptoms of Gortatitis:
- Victims of Gortatitis are likely to experience a heightened sense of pleasure and delusion in the ability of Marcin Gortat. And in some rare, isolated cases, there have been reports of lust for the Polish big man.
- The Government is stressing that they are hopeful that the outbreak is only seasonal and that during the months from May to October, the virus won't take hold of many more people.
- Scientists have also confirmed that they believe the virus is under control for now and that the disease may be kept at bay longer than the projected October 2011 date if the event known as the 'Lockout' takes place.
In the meantime, the Government has issued a list of treatments that may assist with those living with Gortatitis:
Talk to the victims. Remember, they ARE victims.
When talking to those suffering, make sure you address the following key points; the Polish Hammer's offence has revolved almost exclusively around the pick and roll – something any semi-competent big man in the league can utilise especially with arguably the best passer in the game feeding him the ball – and outside of it, he hasn't shown much else. He's been playing in an open offensive system which history shows us, players excel in and yet all he does is score from 6 feet – is this all we can expect? Have the affected Suns fans expectations become skewed on what is a 'good centre' due to the lack of one in recent history? And what about the fact that the team remained hovering around the .500 mark even after he joined? If he is as good as some say, surely he would have had a bigger impact? These facts may be met with rage and anger by the sufferers but it is all a part of the healing process - To resolve a problem, first you have to accept the problem.
Sufferers require a hard slap across the face. These people need to be snapped out of it.
Limit the victim's opportunities to view Marcin Gortat: It's been discovered that there is a potential positive correlation between the Phoenix Suns not participating in the 2010/11 play-offs and the number of cases of Gortatitis declining. If this trend continues, scientists are hopeful that the virus may die out.
In connection to the possible decline of Gortatitis, it has also been argued that the memory of those already affected by the disease may become more distorted the longer they continue without some form of exposure to the big Pole. It may even be possible that their delusions may mutate and grow out of control. If this appears to be happening, please contact your doctor immediately.
In addition to the above 'Self-help' guide, the Government have released the following comparison videos which sufferers are to be encouraged to watch. It is hoped that by repeated viewing of these videos, those most affected by the virus will have a greater chance of returning to normal and that residents within the Phoenix area could avoid a repeat of the 2009/10 outbreak of Lopezorrhea*.
Robin Lopez steal and monster dunk! (via rightbryce)
*Symptoms of Lopezorrhea and Gortatitis are almost identical. Bizarrely, numbers of Lopezorrhea sufferers declined the more exposure sufferers had to Robin Lopez.
Stay safe, stay smart and stay away from thinking Gortat is a saviour.