BREAKING NEWS: Josh Childress's Afro Found Torched Near USAC!

Phoenix police are looking for a suspect they say torched the afro of Phoenix Suns player Josh Childress last night. Hours after police investigators had cordoned off the area, the smoldering remains of the victim’s afro were still visible and the pungent stench of burnt hair chemicals wafted through the US Airways Center parking garage.

The vicious assault on the 29 year-old Childress occurred at about 1:30 a.m.at the corner of 1st Street and Jefferson adjacent to the US Airways Center in downtown Phoenix, Phoenix police dept. spokesman Sgt. Henry Gonzales said. Childress had told his teammates and coaching staff that he along with Suns teammates, Sebastian Telfair and Shannon Brown, were returning to the arena to find their game they believed had been lost somewhere on the court.

It wasn't clear exactly what precipitated the assault on Mr. Childress, but Gonzales said the suspect was spotted by several witnesses running from the scene of the crime while carrying what appeared to be a large flamethrower. Gonzalez also stated that the suspected yelled “Amnesty Chilly’s ass…!” several times in the course of his escape. One witness claimed the suspect looked remarkably like the comedian Gallagher. It wasn't immediately clear whether any other underachieving player besides Childress was torched during the incident.

Mr. Childress was found on the first deck of the USAC parking garage with smoke still rising from his scalp, noticeably shaken and mumbling “My Afro…My Afro….” He was subsequently taken to St. Joseph's Hospital and Medical Center in Phoenix in guarded but stable condition, and Gonzales said his afro is expected to make a full recovery.

Gonzalez said detectives were actively looking for the perpetrator of this horrific crime. BAMF News reporters learned that some evidence left at the scene may have initially pointed towards Bright Side of the Sun blogger “2NASHTY.” Purportedly, that evidence was in the form of a self-incriminating note which said "2NASHTY did this."

Gonzalez confirmed that 2NASHTY was considered and quickly ruled out as a suspect and added, "We are certain that Mr. 2NASHTY was in no ways responsible for this heinous act. Initial lab analysis on the note left on scene indicated the writer had a firm grasp of correct spelling and punctuation--This absolutely absolves and clears Mr. 2NASHTY of any wrongdoing in regards to the torching of Mr. Childress’s afro …after scouring flamethrower sales logs and pouring through recent game threads on the Bright Side of the Sun Sports blog, we do have quite a few leads…However, based on the sheer volume of negative comments, it will take some time to sort through all the people that wanted to get rid of his ass…”

Suns coaching staff and players were shocked to hear about the assault on the player they affectionately referred to as “JChill”. Coach Alvin Gentry initial reactions were “Wow!…this is crazy...I’ve been trying to light a fire under Josh’s ass for a year now, but this is…it’s way, way over the line...” He then paused and added…”I’m not a suspect, am I…?” Teammate Jared Dudley, said “Man, this is a tragedy…I had told Josh too many times to ease up on the Afro-Sheen…stuff is flammable as hell…” New Suns teammate Sebastian Telfair said he was going to miss discussing super-heroes and playing “Plinko” on the bench with Josh. He added, “We had so much time together on the bench, so much time together…” Other teammates such as Steve Nash expressed support and said they would definitely chip in for a wig for Childress.

Childress’s mother Teri Childress had been notified and was in a state of mourning for her son’s afro. She told reporters that, “This is just mean-spirited…I know my son was sucking ass on the court, but to do this to a defenseless afro…” At that point she broke down into tears and had to be supported by family members. She vowed to create a memorial for her son’s afro and set up a fund for donating hair products for people like her son who have been victims of afro torching.

Gonzalez said the culprit should not rest easy- “whoever you are, wherever you are, we are going to find you…burning in the city limits without a permit is a serious crime and will not be tolerated...won't be tolerated one bit.”

Anyone having information about this case is urged to contact the Phoenix PD.