"Totally unacceptable," said NBA commissioner David Stern following the Phoenix SUNS decision to not have any players show up for their game against the Detroit Pistons Wednesday evening.

"I want to apologize to the SUNS' fans. Players cannot simply take the night off, regardless of whether they are on a difficult road trip or not," Stern continued.

SUNS starters were noticeably absent throughout the game, flanked by the whining Gortat's and the bench-bound Beasley's parallel 1-6 shooting, and led by Markieff Morris' mind-boggling +/- of -30. "The conglomerate negative plus-minus of the Phoenix starters created a swirling vortex of anti-basketball ions that generated an equal and opposite reaction of Charlie Villanueva finishing with a +32. Absolutely no one wants to see that!" Stern exclaimed.

Later in the same communique, Stern referred to the game as the 'Detroit Defecation Debacle,' and declared that significant sanctions would be heading the SUNS way.

"The SUNS have been sending starters away for years!" countered Phoenix owner Robert Sarver, oxymoronically undefending his own position and creating quite the negative black hole of his own.. "Joe Johnson--gone! Shawn Marion--outta here! Amar'e Stoudemire--vamoosed! Steve Nash--out on his ear! Grant Hill--dumped like yesterday's trash! We've been punishing our fans for years!"

"Too true," stated Stern. "There will be no further sanctions forthcoming. The SUNS' fanbase has suffered enough..."