FanPost

"Toxic" Beasley Might Be Our Only Hope...



As recounted by our own intrepid national news reporter, Sethpo Trollstan, straight out of the heart of our country's national capitol, from which nothing but truth springs:

This is the best possible news the SUNS could have received! Obviously, the normal Michael Beasley that we see on a game by game basis is not going to get the job done. His current +/- rating is fast approaching the negative 400's and will soon have to be converted to degrees Kelvin as it descends toward absolute zero and total entropy.

No, the only possible improvement we can hope for is through the use of mutagenic agents such as a green glowing toxic ooze found deep in a sewer. And, lo and behold, Beasley has now been found to be toxic!!

Soon-- voila!-- Beasley will be transformed into a whirling ninja of mad shot-blocking skills, bone-crunching drives to the hoop, or he will at least grow a shell, change his name to corn-Rodin a-lini, or something, and develop a mad craving for pizza.

Truly, it seems our only hope is that some of our players obtain superpowers through some inexplicable combination of crass luck and divine intervention.

Let's set off a gamma bomb under Gortat's butt and see if he can channel his anger into defense, rebounding, and smashing dunks on the court!

Let's hypnotize Shannon Brown into believing his parents were murdered in an alley when he was a child, so that his IQ can be augmented by believing he is the world's greatest detective and will at last figure out that long 2's will be the death of this team!

Let's attach a lightning rod to the shower and dump a bunch of chemicals on Scola to see if he can crank it up so that his speed is at least that of the oldest refs in the league!

Let's keep sending Dudley pizza and cheeseburger coupons so the JunkYardDog can get back into form!

Let's help Frye build an arc reactor in his chest so that he can suit up and get back on the court!

Let's maroon Kief on a desert island for 5 years, to toughen him up and cause his shooting to be arrow-sharp!

Let's teach Telfair that turnovers are kryptonite to a team!

Let's get Gentry an eye-patch so he can figure out a way to build a team out of this conglomeration of talent!

...

Now, I've sent Christmas cards to all of the team with the words "Shazam" and "Kimota" on them, so we'll see what happens when everybody pronounces those words.

I also sent Dragic a radioactive spider a couple of days ago, and I see that he now has the "flu," so I'm pretty excited about his next game!

Excelsior! 'Nuff said!

trollStan Lee-- out!

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Bright Side Of The Sun

You must be a member of Bright Side Of The Sun to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Bright Side Of The Sun. You should read them.

Join Bright Side Of The Sun

You must be a member of Bright Side Of The Sun to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Bright Side Of The Sun. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9347_tracker