As recounted by our own intrepid national news reporter, Sethpo Trollstan, straight out of the heart of our country's national capitol, from which nothing but truth springs:
This is the best possible news the SUNS could have received! Obviously, the normal Michael Beasley that we see on a game by game basis is not going to get the job done. His current +/- rating is fast approaching the negative 400's and will soon have to be converted to degrees Kelvin as it descends toward absolute zero and total entropy.
No, the only possible improvement we can hope for is through the use of mutagenic agents such as a green glowing toxic ooze found deep in a sewer. And, lo and behold, Beasley has now been found to be toxic!!
Soon-- voila!-- Beasley will be transformed into a whirling ninja of mad shot-blocking skills, bone-crunching drives to the hoop, or he will at least grow a shell, change his name to corn-Rodin a-lini, or something, and develop a mad craving for pizza.
Truly, it seems our only hope is that some of our players obtain superpowers through some inexplicable combination of crass luck and divine intervention.
Let's set off a gamma bomb under Gortat's butt and see if he can channel his anger into defense, rebounding, and smashing dunks on the court!
Let's hypnotize Shannon Brown into believing his parents were murdered in an alley when he was a child, so that his IQ can be augmented by believing he is the world's greatest detective and will at last figure out that long 2's will be the death of this team!
Let's attach a lightning rod to the shower and dump a bunch of chemicals on Scola to see if he can crank it up so that his speed is at least that of the oldest refs in the league!
Let's keep sending Dudley pizza and cheeseburger coupons so the JunkYardDog can get back into form!
Let's help Frye build an arc reactor in his chest so that he can suit up and get back on the court!
Let's maroon Kief on a desert island for 5 years, to toughen him up and cause his shooting to be arrow-sharp!
Let's teach Telfair that turnovers are kryptonite to a team!
Let's get Gentry an eye-patch so he can figure out a way to build a team out of this conglomeration of talent!
Now, I've sent Christmas cards to all of the team with the words "Shazam" and "Kimota" on them, so we'll see what happens when everybody pronounces those words.
I also sent Dragic a radioactive spider a couple of days ago, and I see that he now has the "flu," so I'm pretty excited about his next game!
Excelsior! 'Nuff said!
trollStan Lee-- out!