How Sarver Stole Christmas (and winning)

No losses under this tree, baby! - Jim Coughenour

I take an opportunity on Christmas to poke some fun at Robert Sarver and the Suns front office using the timeless Dr. Seuss classic, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, as my implement of destruction. The story is meant in jest. I know everyone associated with the organization is utilizing every means at their disposal to return Phoenix Suns basketball to the station its fans are accustomed to. Merry Christmas to everyone in the Suns organization and everyone on BSotS!

How Sarver Stole Christmas (and winning)

Every Suns fan on Brightside liked winning a lot
But the owner, and his front office, did NOT!

Sarver hated winning! The whole winning concept!
He wanted to lose, Babby wasn't just inept.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be he really enjoyed the fans plight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his wallet or head,
He stood there on Christmas Eve with losing to spread.
Staring down from his mansion he thought that he might
Just ruin the holiday on Christmas Eve night.
For he knew the Brightsiders felt that losing stings
And were dreaming of NBA championship rings.

"And they're hoping for trophies!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his banker fists nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep winning from coming!"
For, the rest of the season, he knew...

...All the Brightsiders would be at the arena.

They'd cheer for the Suns! The orange and purple boys!

Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Brightsiders would visit their site
And they'd write! And they'd write!
And they'd WRITE! WRITE! WRITE! WRITE!
They would start in the morning and write through the night
Which Sarver would prevent with all of his might!

And THEN
They'd do something he liked least of all!
They'd expect the Suns to play winning basketball.
They'd expect the Suns win and then they'd start blogging!

They'd blog! And they'd blog!
AND they'd BLOG! BLOG! BLOG! BLOG!
And the more Sarver thought of the Brightsider site,
The more Sarver thought, "I must stop this tonight!"
"Why for nine whole seasons I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop the winning from coming!"
"...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
SARVER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Sarver laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a devious trick!"
"I will make the Suns lose but look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a Beasley..."
Sarver looked around.
Beasley's talent is scarce, there is none to be found.
Did that stop the banker...?
It did certainly not
"I can waiver claim Scola and see what he's got!"
So he called on Lon Babby and told him the news
I hired you so you could make the Suns lose.

THEN
He loaded the roster
With role playing hacks
As he simply refused
To give Harden the max.

Then Sarver said, "Babby!"
"Get us started down"
"A slippery slope"

"Headed to loser town."

Loser town was home to teams like the Kings.
It was a barren place that was devoid of rings,
Bereft of the joy that a winning team brings.
"This is the Suns new home," The old Sarver Claus hissed
With a tight wad of money clenched in his right fist.

Then he needed a cannon, so he re-signed Brown
Who had a skillset perfect for loser town.
Then Brown took a shot, and then he took two
Because Brown will never give the ball back to you.
Brightsiders thought sharing helped the team flow.
"Assists," Sarver grinned, "are the first things to go!"

And Babby did well for his his anti-win boss
Sarver took satisfaction in every Suns loss!
Sarver got angry when the Suns beat the Cavs!
He guaranteed satisfaction for a game with the Mavs!
But he knew the Suns chances of winning were slim
And the only one satisfied ended up being him!

Through the month of December he stole Christmas spirit,
The fans clamored for wins but he just wouldn't hear it!
He pondered some plans to gut the whole roster.
A losing tradition even further he'd foster!

Then he gathered up losses with a sadistic glee.
"And NOW!" he said, "I will stuff them under their tree!"

So he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, not knowing what to say,
It was DIM who joined up three years ago this day.

Sarver had been caught by a loyal Brightsider
Whose passion for the Suns burned brightly inside her
She stared at Sarver and said, "Sarver Claus, why,"
"Do the Suns keep on losing? WHY?"

But, you know, that Sarver was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the Suns owner lied,
"It's my mission in life to win for the Brightside."
"So I'm not taking wins, these aren't losses at all."
"I'm creating cap space to be better next fall."

And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head,
He gave her a retro jersey and sent her to bed.
And when DIM went to bed with her new black Suns shirt,
Sarver stuffed more losses underneath the tree skirt!

Then the last thing he took
Was all the fans passion.
He was sure that he'd make all the Brightsiders frown.
With their brand new address smack dab in loser town.

And the one speck of hope
That was left on the site
He snatched up just like a thief in the night.

Then
He did the same thing
To each other member

Leaving losses
Instead of the wins
They remember!

A third through the season...
It was Christmas day.
Brightsiders, still hoped
For improved Suns play
But Sarver and Babby had constructed a team
That seemed sure to destroy every Brightsider's dream!

Back at the USAC Sarver patiently waited
To see all the mayhem that he had created.
"Pooh-pooh to the fans!" Sarver was humming.
"They're finding out now that no winning is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two"
"Then all the Brightsiders will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Sarver,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Sarver put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from below
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
It wasn't sad at all!
The fans actually cheered!
And for Suns basketball?!?!

He stared down at loser town!
Then Sarver popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Brightsider still loved Suns basketball,
He hadn't destroyed their team spirit at all!
He HADN'T stopped ALL the fans from coming!
THEY CAME!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!

Sarver scratched his head, for he just didn't know
And stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"They came without playoffs! They came without stars!"
"They came without wins to this great site of ours!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Sarver thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe fandom," he thought, "isn't measured by score."
"Maybe cheering for the Suns means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...on Brightside they say
That Sarver's small wallet
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didn't feel quite so tight,
He empathized with all of the Suns fan's plight
And he brought back the playoffs, to repent for his sins!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Sarver brought back the wins!
~Jim Coughenour

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