No coal in here! - Jim Coughenour
BSotS's new prodigious talent, Kris Habbas, joins me in handing out gifts to all our Suns. Not only does Kris possess grandiose elocution skills as my podcast partner, but he also boasts unparalleled eloquence and eminence. Due to an equipment malfunction we were unable to record this week's podcast (we actually tried twice on Christmas Eve), but we still decided to write up the presents we gave to each of the Suns.
We are diligently preparing for a podcast episode that will be posted on January 2nd where we discuss current Suns events and make our New Year's resolutions. We are also planning some surprises moving forward so please stay tuned!
Goran Dragic - First up on the 15 Gifts of Suns Christmas is appropriately going to be given to the perceived, at least by the team, face of the franchise -- Goran Dragic. For a man who has nearly everything, a beautiful girlfriend, a basketball franchise to navigate, and a nice bank account I am going to keep it simple for him. Every guy knows how to pull a fast one with the gift of a deed that can be given at any time. Instead we make cheesy coupons for massages, just like the coupon for 20+ shots a game I am handing to Dragic. The team needs someone to take over games and it would only be fitting that the 30 million dollar man is that guy. ~Kris
Shannon Brown - I am particularly proud of the present I found for Shannon. It's really hard to shop for a player like the cannon who wants everything. As we all know there is a certain type of player that looks to shoot first and pass never. Once you give him the ball you ain't getting it back. That breed of player is sometimes referred to as
Shannon Brown a black hole. That is why I got Shannon the Superunknown album by Soundgarden featuring the hit single Black Hole Sun. Not only is the gift apropos, but I think I'm going to start referring to him by that name. ~Jim
Jared Dudley - Every season Dudley pokes fun at his modest athleticism by creating a dunk count for the season. He is not Dwight Howard or Blake Griffin by no means so setting a goal gives him something to work for. Thus far he has three dunks and needs a lot of help to get to his goal. Utilizing his gift -- a Nerfoop Nerf Basketball Hoop -- Dudley can take to JMZ TV and upload dunk contests from his own home. It is a family gift to an extent as well where he can get the kids involved. ~Kris
Marcin Gortat - Marcin has had kind of a rough year. There have been quarrels and quibbles and declining production. One could almost say that Marcin is tiptoeing the line of the naughty list. I can't give Marcin what I think he really wants, which is a trade out of Phoenix, but I think I can get him the next best thing. I got Marcin a brand new Nautica Starboard 4 piece luggage set. I saved over 50% buying it on Amazon (Sarver would be proud of my frugality). This way he can have his bags packed when the phone rings. And it's gonna ring. ~Jim
Luis Scola - Throughout his career Luis Scola has been reaching for the stars and missing the net. The man with no vertical could use all the help he can get in order to get above or near the rim on occasion. For Scola, I am giving him a pair of Gravity Defyer shoe inserts, which are basically a modified trampoline in his shoes. Slapping backboards on 360 windmills near you, Luis Scola ladies and gentlemen. ~Kris
Michael Beasley - Finding the right present for Michael is like a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Like Michael himself... Mind blown. What does a player so reviled and castigated need? My final conclusion was that what Michael needed most was a hug. That's why I got him a gift certificate to the Build-a-Bear workshop. He can customize his own cuddly little friend. A plush companion he can hug and snuggle with who won't criticize him for sucking at basketball. ~Jim
P.J. Tucker - While Beasley is out creating his Build-a-Bear friends at the mall he might get distracted and be there for a while. In that time that he is gone and not available, hopefully making at least one bear in the Kansas State uniform to remind him of yesteryear when he was a great basketball player, someone has to take those minutes. That is my gift to the former D-League and European League star making the league minimum, the minutes of the 18 million dollar free-agent star are going to be gifted to Tucker. Let's see what he has with major minutes every night. ~Kris
Markieff Morris - I tried to surreptitiously coax some gift ideas out of Markieff, but I couldn't understand a thing he said. He has this barely audible, mouselike voice and kind of mumbles and mutters when he speaks. Eureka, coaxing complete. I got Markieff a month of voice lessons from the Prestige Music Academy. Located less than 10 minutes from the arena, they should fit right into his schedule as he can whip right over there before or after practice. Hopefully this will help Markieff develop a more stentorian voice by teaching him to project from the diaphragm. The media wins. The fans win. Markieff wins. We all win. ~Jim
Sebastian Telfair - Toughness, grit, and scrappiness are commonly associated with players from New York like Sebastian Telfair. Sometimes that scrappiness can lead to irrational play and cloud the judgment of the Suns back-up point guard causing poor decisions leading to ill-timed turnovers. To calm him down we are going to invade his iPod adding Miles Davis's classic "Birth of the Cool" to get him centered and relaxed before games. Adding some jazz to the mix might be the final piece of the puzzle to the full on renaissance of Bassy. ~Kris
Jermaine O'Neal - We all know that Jermaine is getting up there. While he's still a young man in normal terms, he's a wizened fossil in the NBA sense. What to give a grizzled veteran barely clinging to his NBA life but a year's supply of joint juice. The Suns medical staff is already working diligently to turn back Jermaine's clock, but I figured this couldn't hurt. Plus, I think Jermaine might have an expanded role here in the near future due to the departure of a querulous teammate. ~Jim
Diante Garrett - With Kendall back from the Developmental League there are going to be even less minutes and, more importantly, roster spots. Diante Garrett is likely going to be a casualty to the active roster availability meaning he is going to need to spruce up the attire. He is a casual guy usually rocking a sweat suit or more comfortable clothes. Per NBA policy he is going to need to get a suit and with the partnership with The Clotherie it is fitting that I get him the Belated Norfolk Sports Coat (think Downtown Abby). It is fashionable and tasteful for a young basketball player that wants to look good no matter the minutes. ~Kris
Luke Zeller - I spent a lot of time thinking about Luke's gift, more than he has spent playing this season. That was the inspiration for what I eventually decided on. I got Luke a pair of wonderbrief 2.0s from bubbles bodywear at www.love mybubbles.com. These padded underwear have removable foam butt pads that not only give Luke the bubble butt he's always wanted, but should also save his buttocks from undue stress from the rigors and grind of sitting on the bench for an entire 82 game season. I was also able to get them to add a special anti-splinter device for extra protection while riding the pine. ~Jim
Kendall Marshall - Speaking of Kendall Marshall, his return to the NBA does not mean he is going to get a majority of the minutes. He will still be spending a lot of time on the bench. I want to keep him engaged and tap into that well known basketball IQ he possesses. A membership to http://coachesclipboard.net will go a long way to his progression as a coach on the sidelines. Add a dry erase board to the equation for Marshall to draw up plays for either the team or even just his bench buddies Zeller, Johnson, and Garrett as practice. ~Kris
Wesley Johnson - The perfect gift for Wesley has to be a Sonic Air toothbrush kit. He needs to protect that smile, because it's pretty much the only thing he's got going for him. You know how some celebrities insure body parts like their butts and boobs? Wesley should be insuring that smile that shines and dazzles so brilliantly. If he ends up liking his gift, I hope we could work out for him to come by my house sometime between now and the New Year so he can stand outside of my house one night and make my light display the most radiant and refulgent in the entire valley. ~Jim
Alvin Gentry - Kris and I both chipped in on a joint present for head coach Alvin Gentry. This has been a tough season so far for Alvin. His "more talented" roster kinda sucks and he might need a crutch just to survive. That's why we got coach Gentry a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle's Family Reserve 23 year, 95.6 proof Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. Trust me, he'll need it... because while the Suns play may be hard to swallow, this whiskey most definitely isn't.
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