When Steve Nash Retires...

When Steve Nash retires (hopefully not for another 1 or 2... decades), the NBA and all sports media will review his career and come to understand what a marvel he truly is. The Association will become so distraught over losing such an amazing player and ambassador of the game, one who virtually singlehandedly rescued the League from the doldrums and drudgery of the pound-it-in isolation stagnation game and caused the return to a frenetic, fast-paced, seven-seconds-or-less light show, that they will realize what they've lost. The old saying, "You never know what you have until it's gone" will never be truer.

So the NBA will rue the way they treated this hero, and they will vow to make changes to somewhat rectify their glaringly abysmal conduct toward him. The following Nash protocols will be put in place:

First, the NBA logo will be changed. No longer will Jerry West's stiff image be the symbol of the League. The new logo will sport long hair flying ala Goku with the feet apart and the ball coming from behind the back or bouncing between the legs. I'm sure Wattdog could whip up some awesome design.

Next, the MVP award will be renamed NVP, Nashtiest Value-adding Player, and will only be awarded to the player who can improve those around him and can increase his teammates' production up to 120-133% of normal. No ballhogs will ever win the award again, and Shaq''s MVP will retroactively be awarded to Steve.

A new statistic will be created to give credit for super-amazing-incredible assists that practically draw the scorer to the hoop and finish themselves. These will be called Nashists, and will count as three regular assists.

Also, any owner who fails to keep enough support for his superstar by selling off players or draft picks or letting other supporting stars go will be charged with sarver-tage and will be forced to spend into the luxury tax get his star the help he deserves.

Any player who walks out on an NVP to be 'the Man' at some big media metropolis will automatically be relegated to no higher than the third star on said team and trade rumors considering him will immediately begin. This protocol is already in place.

As a corollary, any enormously-egoed player who has to make some huge Decision about how great his talents are and where he's taking them will spontaneously be ejected to play for Toronto (or Vancouver, if they have a team at that time) so that he might learn some good ol' Canadian loyalty and manners.

Any team in the playoffs who has an NVP that gets hip-checked into the scorer's table, or has his nose split wide open, or an eye swollen shut, will automatically advance to the Finals while the other team will be banned from postseason play and must forfeit any championship trophies they have lying around.

Finally, the League will be renamed the Nash-ional Basketball Association, and its headquarters will be moved to Nashville.

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