FanPost

More Changes at All Levels: The Gorilla to NYC! Aaron Nelson to the Blazers!


The face of the Phoenix SUNS continues to change. As posted earlier by intrepid BSotS reporter Alex Laugan, Phoenix Suns Experience Change At All Levels Of The Organization. And today we have learned that there has been even more turnover in the back offices.

The Gorilla has decided that he's had enough of these 110+ degree days, what with his fur coat and all, and he's headed out of Phoenix. Though he gave no comment, he did tweet that, "I've longed to climb the Empire State Building and dunk from there! To the Big Banana, Yo! #DunkyMonky."

The SUNS moved swiftly to replace their mascot. In a complicated 4-team trade that satisfies all new CBA rules and aggregation requirements, Bango the Buck heads to OKC, where "Fear the Deer" signs will now join "Fear the Beard" signs, Rumble the Bison heads to the San Diego Chargers, and the (former) San Diego Chicken and two DLeague mascots to be named later (possibly a Mad Ant and a Red Claw) will come to the SUNS. And Spike Lee now has to sit courtside in Milwaukee. The Chicken will alter his costume to that of a fried chicken when he arrives in Phoenix.

Phoenix SUNS head trainer Aaron Nelson, an Unrestricted Free Agent, has declared that he's heading to Portland. "There's no challenge in Phoenix anymore, what with the old guys moving on. The nanobots that held Grant Hill's ankle together are getting bored. The extra-dimensional bionic harness that strengthened Steve Nash's back is lying in a heap and the micro-gyroscopes that corrected his pelvic instability have spun away into a Calabi-Yau manifold. Even the arc reactor powered adamantium plasma welder used to fuse Amar'e's micro-fractures together just sits there. We tried to keep Barkley frozen in the cryo-chamber, but he kept dreaming of ice cream and breaking out. So, I've decided to take my talents to somewhere where they're needed. I'm heading to Portland.

"Not now, though. I'm heading back to Portland in 2007 right after they drafted Oden. I've been dabbling in a little techno-sorcery and going back in time 5 years should be easy. Just a short while back, I traded a Higgs boson to CERN for some faster-than-lightspeed tachyon particles that should fuel my time machine. I don't pay that much attention to nonsports related news, and I was surprised when I heard they had lost their HIggs boson, or couldn't find one, or had been looking for 50 years, or something. Well, I had a few lying around the locker room, so it was easy to make the swap.

"I'm thinking of creating some holographic knees for Oden out of hard light that should be able to give him a credible NBA career. I'm also doing some gene-splicing in my spare time, and I might grow Brandon Roy some new knees also, possibly from some werewolf DNA I have back in my garage."

Truly, there have been many huge changes in all levels of the Phoenix SUNS organization. Someone has even rumored that the mighty TrollStan is leaving, but I don't believe a word of it.

We salute you, Gorilla and Nelson-- thanks for the memories!!

Go SUNS!!



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