FanPost

'Les Miserables'-- BSotS style



So I went to see this movie and it was sooooo confusing. Les Miserables means "The Miserable" or "The Wretched," and in the movie Wolverine gets chased by the Gladiator, while Catwoman has her hair cut off and dies, and everybody bursts into song even while they are so miserable. The version I saw went something like this:

A group of wretched, disheveled prisoners, dressed in tattered orange and purple clothing with the letters 'BSotS' stitched on their backs, are hauling on some enormous ropes, seeking to bring the 'Ship into dock. Jim Valjim, he of prodigious strength and astounding lexicon, leads the BSotS crew as they are straining and toiling to bring hope back into view. Though they are sorely afflicted, they sing forth with startling harmony:

"Look Down, at the beggars who now play,

Look Down, at how you've chased all the stars away,

Look Down, show some mercy if you can,

Look Down, we've even lost Thunder Dan."

Meanwhile, up above, the cruel and sadistic, penny-pinching owner, Sarvert, whose heart is ruled by legalism, an unforgiving attitude and steel-clad profit margins, the one who will hound Jim Valjim throughout the movie, sneers down upon the masses, shouting, "Why can't you be more positive?"

Shortly thereafter, David King, inexplicably playing the part of Catwoman, has two teeth pulled out and his/her head shaved. Looking extremely despondent, yet somehow still quite fetching, Dave sings:

"There was a time when heroes wert here
When the SUNS weren't so drear,
And their ways were winning
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in times gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that Stern would be forgiving..."

Suddenly, amidst all the misery and melodrama, two buffoons start singing about being "The Master of the House." They seem to run the Front Office of a tavern:

"Welcome, M'sier
Sit yourself down
And meet the best Front Office in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking the guests
And cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Men of basketball acumen like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the House
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm.

"Enter, M'sieur
Lay down yer load
Enjoy the game
And rest from the road
Food (and players) beyond compare
Food (and players) beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer
And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse (Hedo at the four)
Liver of a cat (Beasley on the floor)
Filling up the sausages with this and that."

Then there's alot of shouting, and shooting, and a barricade, and another 8 years passes, or so, and the tramp of doom as the soldiers of despair march upon the BSotS crew manning the last bastion of hope, and they sing:

"Red - the blood of angry men!
Black - the dark of ages past!
Red - a world about to dawn!
Black - the night that ends at last!

Orange - the passion and the flame!
Purple - a bruise on Phoenix' name!
Orange - the SUNS about to rise!
Purple - majesty under the desert skies!"

And everybody pretty much dies. Sarvert jumps in the river cause he's made Jim Valjim's life so miserable. Wolverine dies, and the ghost of Catwoman sings him to a heaven of orange brick streets, where Phoenix fans are free, and cheering, and waving banners-- and, yes, the SUNS are champions!!!

--or at least relevant in the NBA again.

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