Dr. Feldman’s Cure for Sunsitis

Are you suffering from Sunsitis? - USA TODAY Sports

Dr. Jason Feldman, DN has the cure for what ails the Phoenix Suns.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. If you have Sunsitis, please dial 119 immediately.

Other Disclaimer: Please do not actually dial 119 as it is not a real number.

Other Other Disclaimer: Sunsitis is a real affliction, but will not cause actual death, only simulated death, mostly of our spirit and will to watch the Suns.

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Have you or any of your loved ones come down with a sudden case of the Beasles?

Do you have poor (immune) defense?

Is a lack of scoring keeping you or your partner awake at night?

Are Brown spots causing you shooting pains?

Do you get Scola Sweats in the middle of the night?

Are you (pj) tuckered out all the time?

Do you have to dragic yourself out of bed in the morning?

Are big bald men randomly screaming at you for no reason?

Have your loved ones turned away from you and stopped caring?

No, you don't have Wes Nile Virus, but you might just have Sunsitis!

Worry no more!

Dr. Feldman has painstakingly spent minutes researching and/or developing a bold new cure for this dreadful disease (and by minutes, I mean seconds).

For months now there have been talks of rumors [or rumors of talks] about potentially existing cures for this affliction. But before I almost tell you about the REAL cure [then sneakily continue to only refer to it while directing you to view our you tube video that then details the "possibility" of the cure while directing you to buy our book that only eludes to a "potential" cure - thus siphoning hours out of your life and $24.99 plus processing and handling {really? Aren't processing and handling the same thing? }], I would like to dispel those gossips [{(that was the word that Word chose from the thesaurus as a replacement word for "rumors" )}].

There have been a few quacks out there (quacks are fake doctors, as opposed to me, a real non-doctor] suggesting the Cousins cure will eradicate Sunsitis. They claim "potential" positive results with significant upside despite possible side effects. Yet according to s(nope)s.com these "potential" results and "significant" upside has never actually materialized and the side effects are many and dangerous. In fact, there have been reported accounts of practice amnesia, diarrhea of the mouth, restless fist syndrome, spontaneous coach combustion , premature ejectionation, Irritable Center Disease, Sleep "balling", Sudden Bowel Disruption combined with a God complex [AKA "Holy Shits"], short-term chronic disorder, locker room cancer, thoughts of murder-suicide [then remembering you don't want to kill yourself], and prison rape. Some of these quacks claim that with the right monitoring of the medicine, Cousins treatments "may" "potentially" yield huge "upside" even in the face of all the tragic side effects. Yet opponents of this cure point to evidence of inconsistent performance with no actual positive impact on one's (health) record.

Another possible cure was said to be found in eastern [coast] medicine. They claim it is a Fabmelous remedy, saying it blocks many of the issues while allowing you to rebound from the effects. Yet I have my doubts, considering it has never been tested by a real doctor or even anyone with an N.B.A. at the very least.

So, no cure has been found... UNTIL NOW!

Introducing Dr. Feldman's cure for Sunsitis:

1] Recognize the symptoms to catch this before it spreads:

The first symptom of Sunsitis is a bad perplexion - often caused by a will to have your cake and eat it too. An example of this symptom is where you say you want to rebuild your team and at the same time remain competitive, thus actually never making a significant enough change to do either. Franchises who suffer from perplexion tend to gradually fade into irrelevance and eventually die a slow death.

The only way to battle this feared symptom is to make the tough decision to eradicate the entire group of cells in order to ensure that those cells do not continue to spread throughout your franchise into perpetuity. Unfortunately this means that you will feel much worse before you can even begin to fully recover. That is why many doctors do not attempt to try this method as they simply do not want to risk their careers over something that may take a long time to produce positive results.

However, once you get perplexion, the road to Sunsitis has been paved and the only way to avoid catching it is to make a bold decision and do what it takes. That would be step 2.

2] Forget the Beta trials - it is time for an Alpha Trial

Beta trials are nice when you want to test something in the real world that you know might not work, especially when you can get people to sign up for them willingly. But after the beta test begins and you start seeing people drop like flies, you have to go back to the drawing board [or your attorney] and make a quick fix. Traditionally, beta trials tend to be failed experiments and we wonder why franchises continue to do what has been unsuccessfully done in the past.

The little known "Alpha" trial is the way to go. Forget assembling a group of role players one-by-one until all of your resources have been exhausted and you are mired in middling mediocrity. Instead, get your name put on the Alpha list as soon as possible and you may just be selected to participate in an Alpha Trial.

Yes, there are times when the wait could be prolonged and you will suffer in the meantime. However, Alphas tend to produce greater success when built around than doing so with Betas. Certainly you need to make sure the Alpha you go with is the right one, but focusing on finding or recruiting the right one allows you to begin the process of building around that Alpha.

Of course, acquiring an Alpha will cost you, but at this point you should realize that you are facing an uphill battle and anything you have right now is not worth keeping if you can't follow the right medical plan to avoid Sunsitis. This means you need to be willing to divest yourself of all worldly assets, start from scratch, and maybe even take a risk on an untested Alpha.

3] Beasectomy

The late Dr. Pat Riley [he is not dead, just that Hall of Famer's don't need to be on time], revealed a method to rid your franchise of the dreaded Beasles through his discovery that Beasles attach themselves to a host "body" but once they are passed along, do not continue to infect the body they left.

The only issue is that in order to pass Beasles to another, you have to find a willing participant to accept them, which is difficult. There is a black market where hosts will accept your Beasles for a price, but that price is hefty. It is my estimation that having the Beasles will make it impossible to avoid and rid yourself of Sunsitis and thus the heavy price must be paid in order to purge this disease.

4] The Brown Procedure

This is a lesser, outpatient procedure dealing with one of the ills that ail you, but certainly a removal of the Brown spot might make things feel a little better at times. Of course you have to be careful that you properly remove the Brown spot through either a quick trade for a second round pick from a contending team without a bench scorer, or you can simply let the Brown spot fall off in the early summer. You don't want to keep the Brown spot around too long as he eventually turns into the Beasles.

5] Drink lots of "Draft" formula

While you wait for that Alpha trial to begin, it is important to remember that you may never be selected. You cannot pin all your hopes on the Alpha trial. But don't fret, because even if an established Alpha does not select you, there is still hope.

Scientists in Oklahoma City have shown incredible results when drinking lots of draft formula. By stockpiling formula in a good "draft" year, these scientists produced incredible results on manufacturing their own Alpha. In fact, they were so successful that they produced three alphas. Of course, considering Alpha's cost, they had to put one up for adoption on the Alpha list, eventually benefitting a patient suffering in Houston.

There are some quacks out there that believe you can drink draft formula that another franchise just purchased a year or two ago, thinking that they didn't know what they had and simply didn't want it to sit on the shelf considering the street value of the stuff. Yet that might prove to be fools gold simply due to the fact that draft formula tends to have an expiration date and can go bad sitting there unused.

Some draft formula connoisseurs feel that the best year's to buy formula might be 2014, a year where the crop is yielding an abundance of inventory with an opulent and refined flavor. But if you are in desperate need of formula right now you should at least consider a selection in the 2013 year, which is yielding an assortment of complex and earthy lots with a hint of oakiness.

6] Quarantine and Clean

Once you have committed to your health plan, applied for an Alpha trial, rid yourself of the Beasles and Browns, and bought yourself some draft formula, it is time to clean house in order to ensure that you do not re-infect yourself down the road.

This means breaking out the hazmat suits and getting rid of all of the little bugs that might carry this disease. The most prominent culprits are the Babby's, Blanks and Gentry's. Now of course, Dr. Feldman never advocates violence or death, and loves all animals, so re-location is the order of the day. Simply tell these bugs that they need to locate another domicile to work their magic.

Once these bugs are let go, find some replacement bugs [bugs can be beneficial to the ecosystem] to run the joint.

So in summary, Dr. Feldman's prescription is to:

  • Suck it up and finally rebuild by any means necessary [meaning everyone on this team is dispensable]
  • Find a way to rid yourself of Michael Beasley and his contract by any means.
  • Let Shannon Brown walk or try to extract something from another team at the deadline.
  • Start recruiting top level Alpha players that will be coming on the market , even if nobody thinks they would come here. Make a hard push and sell this city and the franchise to these guys and make it known that we will treat them like gold. It shouldn't be that hard to sell Phoenix to NBA players.
  • Be willing to move everyone on the team and start acquiring draft picks, especially 2014 picks. Having multiple picks in this and next year's drafts will pay HUGE dividends in 3-4 years. We are going to suck bad no matter what we do before then anyway.
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