Have you ever wondered what behind-the-scenes conversations take place to put together an exciting and winning NBA team? Wonder no longer....
BSotS has recently uncovered confidential communiques concerning the manner in which your current SUNS team was put together. Kayte Christensen, former SUNS social media reporter, had left a spyware trojan tracking program inside the SUNS Sarver server to illicitly gather the inside scoop on the SUNS front office.
Our own intrepid reporter, Jim Coughenour, lugubriously loquationated Christensen to gain these e-mails for BSotS, so that might all glean some insight into the inner workings of the PHX braintrust.
SUNS super secret e-mail conversation from last summer:
Babby: We weally need to get some butts in the seats, gentleman. We need some big names to draw in the fans. I think we didn't give Vince Carter enough of a chance! One of the names floating around out there is Allen Iverson-- if we make a run at him...
McDonough: Well, that's one option we could pursue... or, we could go a different direction and gather assets while slashing dead weight that encumbers us both on the court and in our cap situation.
Babby: As long as you don't touch Beasley! He's one of the highest draft picks we've ever had, and a real fan favorite!
McDonough: But we must raise the energy and IQ of this team; that's how we'll attract fans!
Hornacek: I agree, Ryan! We need to up our defensive intensity. I want to instil a culture that's hard-nosed and hounds the ball. Bury the SUNS' past of woeful defensive rotations, horrifying DREB%, and abysmal OpponentPointsperShot, and get someone to protect the rim! At least a little!
Babby: But we have Gortat!
McDonough: His nose alone should average 2 blocks per game! Look, Jeff, you're right. Shedding Gortat and Scola, who lead the League in leadfootedness will make us faster... addition by subtraction.
Hornacek: True. Scola's vertical leap has actually reached negative numbers, -0.25", meaning that he's taller when he just stands there than when flexes to jump. And Gortat's Softness Quotient, gauged by his inability to rise up and dunk also strongly suggests a high graviton field index of >64 TB/mm.
McDonough: But who would take earthbound Luis and give us a young leaper?
Babby: I think it'll take a lot of air travel to meet with other teams about this. Besides, I need to up my frequent flyer miles...
Hornacek: Miles Plumlee!
McDonough: Miles Plumlee!
Hornacek: Perfect! Anti-graviton induced quantum leaping. Net increase in both OREB and DREB%!
McDonough: Reflexicursion hyperbolic DunksperWins increased 256%!
Hornacek: Jettison Scola and Gortat, and Pace Factor catapults to a 10 to the 64th dM/10thquarter increase.
McDonough: But we can't sacrifice eFG% or TS% simply for Pace. Speaking of which, Brown has to go!
Hornacek: And Beasley! Their universal breaking of the inverse square law of distance from the hoop: Point per Possesion efficiency resulting in the MostMissedLongTwos of any team, yielding an astounding AirballPatternProclivity of just under 12/20minutesplayed.
Babby: But Beasley is a Name! If we get Vince Carter back, and add Iverson... Maybe Marbury is available, too...
McDonough: Or, we make the team young and fun and likeable again. With the removal of Beasley, the SUNS Bball IQ would ameliorate exponentially, climbing from the subtropical 76.4 to a Mensa-like 157.0, especially with the proper ball-handler to complement Dragic.
Babby: I think Marbury is in China. The last time I flew there, the in-flight movie had all these vampires, and their victims bled so much...
McDonough: Eric Bledsoe!
Hornacek: Yeah! Just what I was thinking! TOV%, exceptional CourtVision and superb AwarenessatAcceleration should hyper-attenuate the dissection of opponents' defenses. No conflict between playing two point guards, am I right?
McDonough: They should be able to work hand in glove in running this team, like a sword in a sheath.
McDounough: You beat me to it. Now to upgrade the bench...
Babby: Can I at least take a trip somewhere? Minneapolis, even? Do we need some trade with the Minnesota Twins? I mean, Timberwolves?
Hornacek: You thinking what I'm thinking? Twins?
McDonough: Hmmm, the Morris twins? Double the multiplier on a fraternal psychic link orbiting a common frequency to maximize muscular motility? Hmmm. That could yield Markieff with an early Western Conference Player of the Week award.
Hornacek: Possibly. The Morrii combination should strengthen the bench to bursts of robust 2nd quarters avoiding the blackholish gaps of the past.
McDonough: And the DragonBladeZ combination should impart a meteoric rise in our HoopSlashing% and a ConcertedChaosCloud on defense.
Hornacek: A boost of WS/48, coupled with an ecstatic eFG%, eliminating the - 47 drag co-efficient of Gortat, Beasley, Scola, and Brown, could present us with a 13-9 record at the quarter mark of the season.
McDonough: I see us at 15-7, unless we somehow lose 2 games to the Kings.
Hornacek: If we adjust AST/TO trends by compiling g/FoRTH% with a KaMeHameHonic wave of Team of Interreliability, predictions could trend much higher.
McDonough: PlayoffPredictiveProfile of +/- indices composit an interesting ProbabilityMatrix of AscendingSolarActivity. Energy feeds off energy. Energy = MutualCompatibility squared.
Babby: As long as we're still tanking, right? If we get a high enough pick, maybe we can draft somebody with the last name Jordan...