(What follows is a hypothetical conversation that I believe will happen and net us our next great GM.
.......MCD = Ryan McDonough........... DUM = Joe Dumars......... KOB = Kobie, McD's lackey...... MOM = Joe Dumars' mother, Lawanda -- may not be her real name)
MCD: Kobie, hon, why don't you be a dear and get the Pistons GM on the phone for me?
KOB: Yes, master. Anything for you, my liege.
DUM: JoeD here. Tell me what's happenin'.
MCD: We're making a trade; that's what's happenin', my pal.
DUM: Oh yeah? I'm listening.
MCD: So look. You need to unclog your paint and need some guys that can drain the 3. We have one of the best teams at that. After careful consideration, I've decided, possibly against my better judgment, that I should trade you Gerald Gr33n and Channing Frye for Greg Monroe. I'm feeling benevolent and will even throw in Indiana's first round pick this year. You're welcome.
DUM: Hmm, that sounds pretty good, mmm-kay. But we're trying to rebuild, and we need more picks than that, mmm-kay.
MCD (thinking): Man, this guy is playing hardball. I thought this was going to be easy!
MCD: What about this? We'll give you the Suns first rounder this year as well.
DUM (thinking): Wow, I gots to jump alllll over this, mmm-kay. I've been fleeced before though, they say, and I've been ordered to always call Big Momma and get her thoughts.
DUM: Yo, McDizzle, I need a moment. I'll call you right back.
MCD (thinking): The things I have to put up with to make the Suns a contender. McDizzle? RUFKM?
MCD: That would be all right.
(Joe Dumars calls his momma, Lawanda. She's always so happy to hear from little Joey)
MOM: What brings me this pleasure, little Joey?
DUM: Momma, I need your advice on another trade.
MOM: Boy, you gonna be the death of me. What did I tell you about making trades? You never win.
DUM: I know, momma, but I think I have hit the jackpot with this one.
MOM (thinking): That's rich. What kind of cockamamie idea the boy got this time?
MOM: Okay, Joey. Hit me with it.
DUM: So that guy McDumma over with Phoenix wants to give me Gerald Green, Channing Frye, the Suns first round pick (sure to be a great one they say!) and Indiana's first round pick this year. How are they doing? Haven't followed.
MOM (thinking): OMG. My dreams may finally come true!
MOM: You're trading with Phoenix?????
DUM: Yeah, that's right.
MOM: Boy, you better listen to me right now. You are going to acquire Chocolate Thunder.
DUM: Chocolate Thunder? Who is that?
MOM (thinking): Who is that? The sexiest hunk in the NBA, of course, the fire in my loins. ohhh Aunt Jemima!
MOM: Fool, that's PJ Tucker.
DUM: Never heard of him.
MOM (thinking): Never heard of my lover boy? Some call him corner pocket. I sure got a corner pocket for him! Now I hear those fools on the Bright Side be calling him padlock. He can lock me down anytime he want! Mmmm, mmmmm!
MOM: Never heard of him? You my son? Ish. Don't question me. Just do it. Forget that boy Gerald. PJ Tucker, he's the one that can make it rain.
DUM (thinking): I haven't heard her speak like this since Michael --- oh my. Make it rain? I hope we're still talking about basketball.
MOM: Boy, why you pausin'? DO IT NOW. Don't make me come down there again.
DUM: Yes, momma.
MOM: That's better.
(Joe Dumars calls McDonough back)
MCD: That was longer than I expected. Got an answer for me?
DUM: One slight modification, mmm-kay. Sub out Gerald Green and put in PJ Tucker.
MCD (thinking): Damn. I really hoped it wouldn't come to this. But our team has run 3,612 scenarios and even with Tucker, this is still the best deal out there.
MCD: Okay. You have a deal (sigh). I have to give you credit for sticking to your guns and getting a great return of 2 very good veterans and 2 low -- I mean great first-rounders.
DUM: Sounds good, McDizzle. Catch you next time.
MCD (thinking): No you won't. We going to the Finals next year with Monroe in the fold and with Archie and Alex finally starting to reach their potential.
Denouement: Suns win their first championship a couple seasons later. Lawanda never went to the Pistons games much before, but she goes every night now. Her screams can be heard miles away all night long. She even makes Chocolate Thunder merchandise, which becomes a big hit. Dumars makes two crappy picks at #25 and #30 in the draft this year and re-signs PJ Tucker at 15 mil a year at his mother's behest. He subsequently wonders where that diamond bracelet she now wears came from. Hmmm! He loses Frye in FA next season, and Pistons continue to suck. All is right with the world. Everyone lives happily ever after. The End, mmm-kay.