Dancing with Pretty Girls That Don’t Put Out

Hollywood has done me wrong. Growing up I thought the dating scene was simple.

1. Invest in clothes and bathroom products

2. Primp up for the weekends

3. Hit the bars and find the prettiest girls

4. Out macho all the other sharks

5. Go home with little Miss Bed Candy, impress her with your man skills and hopefully do well enough fro a repeat performance.

Of course, Number 5 is predicated on the success of the first 4 steps. I admit I’ve had some success with this plan, but too many nights, I had to be content with a moral victory as my friends and I gloat about how hot those chicks we were hitting on where, even though we all eventually got too sleepy and went home alone.

Over the years, my strategy changed as I realized that the hot little targets in the bars had criteria of their own. They can accentuate their assets by too-small clothes and too-blond hair and I learned I am judged for mine. They take one look or ask one question and decide whether we can come to a mutual agreement or they hide their assets and scout around for someone just a bit richer, just a bit taller and just a little bit smallish around the waste.

To improve my win-ratio, I started to ignore the hot, young flesh just beneath the lights in the center of the dancefloor every weekend where all the other males were pointing their freshly-waxed chests and their impeccably gelled fauxhawks. I turned my attention to the dark corners. There dwells a totally different species of bed candy.

In the darkness of those corners you find the Best Friends, the Mousy Officemates Who Never Go Out and the Depressed and Broken Hearted. These girls are by no means uglier than the dancefloor rats. Some of them are just as attractive, but their assets are hidden in sensible clothing, they wear less make-up because they don’t need as much and, damn it, how do you expect that one girl over there to see without her glasses?!?

These girls don’t strut their stuff for many reasons. One might not be as secure in what she has. Another might be saving her assets for a big deal. Yet another might have assets that don’t really serve her well, as much as it could benefit another. Like you.

In rosterbation, (Aha! Didn’t know I was going there, were you?) it is important to consider these things when looking for a "trading partner".

1. Are they gold diggers? Some of them have a high regard for their own assets and would only get in bed with you if you truly made it worth their while. We hate them, but we later admit, some of them had really, really hot parts we wanted to get our hands on.

Equivalents: The Cleveland Cavaliers, notorious for wanting too much in any deal.

2. Are they happy being single? Just because someone has assets, doesn’t mean they want to share it with you. Some of them have been building their gams and watching their weight not to attract suitors, but for their own satisfaction.

Equivalents: The Oklahoma City Thunder. They have their own plans for Jeremy Lamb.

3. Are they looking for someone to unload their baggage on? Some girls are always trying to get away from mistakes of the past. Wrong judgment call a few years back? A long term engagement with some guy who was driving them to financial ruin? A guy who they invested time and effort on but never really turned out to be as good a catch as they thought?

Equivalents: The Milwaukee Bucks. You want Larry Sanders, you have to take Drew Gooden, too. The Orlando Magic. You want Moe Harkless, here, take Hedo Turkoglu with you.

4. Are they not disease free? Some of them want something from you, but the cost might be too harsh to bear. It doesn’t have to be gonorrhea, some of them might hve run away from home and decide you were gullible enough to invite her over and she never EVER leaves!

Equivalents: The Boston Celtics. But they do need a consistent center like our own Marcin Gortat, but even the possibility of a Fab Melo will be marred by the need to absorb a Jason Terry or Courtney Lee or a Brandon Bass to make it work. (And yes, they have their own plans for Avery Bradley and Jared Sullinger.).

5. Are they using you to get attention from others? Some parade you around like a little lovesick puppy in the hopes of making them appear more attractive and desirable. The goal is to embolden others to make them a better offer than lowly old you. (God Damn you to Hell, Abigail!)

Equivalents: The Memphis Grizzlies. Nice try with that Dudley for picks thing. Josh Smith’s people. Kudos on the Josh Smith drama with the Suns that, you know, disappeared when people caught on.

6. Have they been total wanton whores? Have they flirted with everyone so they could find Mr. Right?

Equivalents: The Houston Rockets. Who slept with everybody to build up enough to get a star. they did. And are probably going to do it again.

7. Are they saving themselves for someone special? Some are building assets (or should be) but are not (should not) going to give them out to anyone just for a momentary satisfaction or just because everyone else is doing it.

Equivalents: Well, frankly, I hope its the Phoenix Suns. For reasons that will be explained in another fanpost. Suffice to say, let's be smart and don't let our little Ballboy do all the thinking.

Bagging a dance partner for an evening’s horizontal mambo is fun and so is a good trade. (If you think they are equally so, dude, you need to log off the PC and go out.) Always remember, to check for quality and to see if you got a prize worthy of you. Better yet, make sure you bag someone out of your league. Never settle for less.

After all, whoever you sleep with tonight ... is the same one you wake up to tomorrow.

NOTE: Apologies to Jen and Maritza and any other female Suns fan reading. The misogyny was necessary to prove a point. Actually, you're right, it wasn't that necessary. But, feel free to reverse the genders because have a feeling the stereotypes are the same.

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