Fear The Mongoose: Phoenix Suns Archie Goodwin needs a nickname



I'll start with a formal (re)introduction. Some of you may remember me from such screen names as "RMason". Due to a SNAFU with the email I originally opened my SBN account with a new identity has been born, much like the rebirth of the Suns organization with certified genius Ryan McDonough steering the team out of the pile of buffalo shit it was previously entrenched in. It's a new dawn indeed.

Film nerds will recognize my new handle as a nod to Stanley Kubrick's 1964 satirical take on the Cold War, "Dr. Strangelove, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb". The film stars Peter Sellers in three different roles, one of them being Group Captain Lionel Mandrake, an executive officer of the RAF who scrambles to prevent the rogue General Ripper, suffering from delusion and paranoia, from launching a nuclear strike against the Russians, only for the world to be blown to bits in the end anyway. I'm sure this serves as an allegory for being a life-long Suns fan in some way, I just haven't put all the pieces together yet.

Much like Group Captain Mandrake scrambled to prevent a nuclear war with the Russians, I'm speaking today to address an equally important issue. Word has travelled far and wide about the summer league play of one Archie Goodwin, which will no doubt facilitate a legacy that will place somewhere between that of Julius Erving and Galileo (once his professional career actually begins). Before we witness this young man beating the entire league into submission, it is imperitave that we do our part to add to this blossoming legacy.

Archie Goodwin Needs A Nickname

Don't get me wrong, Archie Goodwin is actually a pretty badass name. The kind of name reserved for those who are destined to leave their mark. The kind of name that a winner would have. The kind of name that could be turned into a verb, e.g. "remember that time Austin Rivers got Goodwin'd right in his face?", or a superlative, e.g. "he might be Goodwin-esque, but he's no Goodwin."

If I may clumsily segue into a brief editorial, NBA nicknames in this generation are pretty lame sauce. The league once touted classy nicknames like Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, "The Doctor" Julius Erving, and Walt "Clyde" Frazier (nicknamed after Clyde Barrow from Bonnie and Clyde, which puts him pretty high on the badass-o-meter). These weren't just nicknames, they invoked the very feel of the generation.

The 80's weren't too shabby either, giving us "The Dream", "The Admiral", "The Mailman", and simply, "Air". Since then, things have gone off the rails. We've gotten damn lazy with our nicknames, usually combining their initials and jersey number (CP3) or their first initial and first syllable of their last name (D-Will, D-Wade, K-Mart, T-Mac, etc. etc.). We've gotten so lazy with our nicknaming that players have taken the task upon themselves, hence STAT, the Black Mamba (which I can't type without vomiting in my mouth), and the umpteen gazillion nicknames that Shaq has bestowed himself with. Who better to reverse this trend with than our own future megastar, Archie Goodwin? It is with this in mind that I submit to you...

Archie "The Mongoose" Goodwin

The nickname has some historical significance, specifically that of boxer Archie "The Ole' Mongoose" Moore, who held the longest championship reign ever for a light-heavyweight, and also moved up a class to fight the legendary heavyweight Rocky Marciano, taking Marciano to the ninth round and even putting him on the mat in the second round, which was only the second (and last) time anyone knocked Marciano off his feet. Moore retired with 185 wins (131 KO's). Archie Moore was a badass.



It is worth noting at this point that Archie Moore was referred to as "The Ole' Mongoose", and apparently never just "The Mongoose", so I think I'm clear from any trademark issues here.

Aside from the historical significance of the nickname, here are a few facts about the noble mongoose, from the scholars at Wikipedia:

The Indian gray mongoose and others are well known for their ability to fight and kill venomous snakes, particularly cobras
Egyptians venerated native mongooses (Herpestes ichneumon) for their ability to handle venomous snakes and for their occasional diet of crocodile eggs.
The Buddhist god of wealth Vaiśravaṇa, or Dzambala for Tibetans, is frequently depicted holding a mongoose that is spitting jewels from its mouth
The mongoose emits a high-pitched noise, commonly known as giggling, when it mates

To recap, the mongoose kills snakes, eats crocodile eggs, chills with the Buddhist god of wealth (whilst spitting jewels from its mouth), and giggles when it makes whoopie.

If that isn't a badass animal, I assure you I do not know what is.

If you require any more convincing, here is a mongoose savagely killing an actual Black Mamba snake. I think the significance of this goes without saying.

Slender mongoose kills black mamba.wmv (via Greg Coates)

Let me know what you think, and if you have a better suggestion please share. We need to give this kid a nickname he deserves.

Thank you for your time. Happy hunting.

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