Save our Suns!!!!!!
The way it will work is that you volunteer 6 hours a week to drive a Phoenix Sun wherever he may like to go. You wait in the car and don't bother the player too much. However, you get to meet him and get a peek into his everyday life! You also may rest easier knowing you kept one Sun safe for the next game.
As you can see in the picture above, Shaq smartly uses fan-based transportation to avoid a parking ticket that his giant mini-diesel would have received. This form of transportation was a positive for everyone involved.
Here are the guidelines....
You must have a SPOTLESS driving record.
You are driving around a multi-million dollar asset on which the hopes and dreams of hundreds of thousands of fans rest. No speeding tickets and if you have a DUI or anything even close to reckless speeding, don't bother applying. Paid parking tickets are okay, as long as your car was never towed. However, because the position is unpaid, you do not need a commercial drivers license.
You must be available in 6 hour blocks during the week your adopted Sun is in town.
We will try to match you with your favorite Sun. However, because positions are limited, your first choice may not always be granted. In fact, we expect so many replies that you may not even get a six hour block this season, but we will put you on the waiting list for next season (for a very small handling fee).
You must have your own vehicle, and it must be well-maintained. (You pay for gas).
Phoenix Suns are busy. They have to go to NBA Cares and Phoenix Sun charity events, mainly meeting their own children at "rich kid" schools. They also have many bars to visit and booty calls to make. Be aware that sickly Suns may need to barf in your car on occasion. At least, the upholstery in your car is probably not as expensive as what they have in their cars!
Finally, they need to be at practice and at games on time or they will be fined for more money than you make all year. However, you do not need to have a big car, a pimped car, a mini-diesel or an SUV. As Shaq smartly shows, even the biggest men in the NBA fit into today's Honda. You've come a long way, Honda!
Good Samaritan Clause
While you will be immediately fired and hated by all Suns fans everywhere, you will not be obligated to pay your Sun's late fines even if you are at fault. We know you probably don't have $40,000 just laying around in your sofa cushions.
If the player is at fault, they are permitted to blame you as long as they let us know. If you take the blame but are not at fault, you may be in the running for a bonus shift.
If you get into an accident with a starter on board, even if it is not legally your fault, I will blame you personally, find out where you live, where your grandparents live and persecute you mercilessly for the rest of your worthless and hopefully short life.
It helps if you are way hot. But we accept applications from all fans.
While we believe that the 200 aspiring Suns dancers that didn't make the cut are generous enough to donate their time to shuttling our Suns, some team members are in serious relationships and may feel uncomfortable with being in the ride of another woman (a jilted Suns Dancer hopeful - yikes!) unchaperoned. For this reason, we accept applications from all fans (with the required nominal registration fee of course).
We need 4 people/day x 7 days/week x 10 key players = 280 volunteers. If we have enough volunteers, we can provide aide to a few rookies, benchers and injured Suns who will never play, but are famous by association. But damn, for the buck those guys make, they should have been helping the team by driving Jason Richardson around for the weekend.
No stalking allowed!
Look, you will get to enjoy talking to your favorite Sun (if he is sober) during the rides, but do not look to stalk the player or expect to go to their dinner, meet their girlfriend, get invited into the club, much less the VIP lounge. However, if Shaq is going Subway and invites you in, you may join him. Depending on the player, they may buy your sandwich or expect you to buy theirs. They do have families to feed. Remember, they play for you. Be generous!
We will give you a Sticker!
One way to show off your pride and get the envy of your friends is that we at the Bright Side of the Sun will give you an authentic "Save Our Suns - Suns Volunteer Shuttler" sticker to put on your car. Suns fans everywhere will give you the right-of-way on the freeway and ask you with reverence, "Which Sun did you save?"
How? Here's how.
- Post here saying which Sun you would like to adopt. Post your top 3 so we can give you at least one favorite, but don't bet on it.
- Post the days of the week and times you are available.
- Don't bother asking for Lou Admundson, everyone knows he rides a little bicycle like a nerd.
- Fess up to all your driving indiscretions in your post.
- Promise to send my the required application fee of $55 to my paypal account. I promise that I will vet your application and send it on the the Suns.