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Enhancing the Suns Experience: A Cantrellian Fantasy Void of Play by Play

If you people join the Suns game threads we post, you no doubt take part or are exposed to comments and conversations about both local and national voices calling the games. Oftentimes we tend to criticize the talking heads for their comments which vary from imbecilic and mindless to nonsensical and illogical. We have unfortunately come to know a number of individuals employed to add to our experience fail miserably amid the task. In fact, they degenerate our experience. We are either dumber from listening to them or we mute them altogether as a means to maintain sanity. Some examples:

A certain broadcaster you may know has nicknamed Jared Dudley, "Dudley Do-Right," which in my opinion, is downright lame. Another enjoys using the phrase "whirling dervish" when describing and athletic play. That's beyond corny. There's a national guy who dresses like a used car salesmen on purpose to make up for his lack of talent, intelligence, and expertise. There is a very un-dynamic brother and sister duo who only make a game interesting to the audience by causing us all to consider who actually is the brother and who is the sister.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't despise all of the color and play by play guys and gals I've heard and watched. There are some concise, knowledgable voices that don't incite violence in my mind or illicit disgust in my soul. But I'll be honest, they are few and far between. So Brightsiders, I wanted to engage in a little spitballing with you all. What if we got rid of the play by play and color commentators? What if we could create our own options? What would enhance our game watching experience?

There are no ground rules to this fantasy other than forget about ground rules and being rational. I don't care about FCC requirements or what may or may not be against the law or in the NBA's best interest, nor do I care about David Stern's wadded up panties or Robert Sarver and his stupid foam finger. I wanna get selfish here. Remember, without us, the franchise doesn't exist. Here is what I have so far :

  • I want an option to hear what the player's hear:  I want micc'd up coaches, players, officials, basketballs, etc. I want to hear the grunts and the cursing, the trash talk (what up KG?), and the whining. 
  • I want a camera on the player so I can see what he sees. I want the Steve Nash view. Like a contact lense camera or something James Bondesque.
  • I want a camera on the ball-balls eye view, get it!
  • I want control of the camera via remote control. When the Suns play the Lakers, I don't want to see Anthony Keidis' stupid mustache or Jack Nicholson in the midst of a cocaine haze rabid fandom. If I want to isolate on J-Chill slashing to the hoop, I should be able to use a remote to check out the 'fro.
  • If I can't get the oncourt microphone, I want the lip reader closed caption. Example: 
  • Channing Frye to Steve Nash: "Hey Steve, you know something about like movies and acting, right?"
    Steve Nash to Channing Frye: "Little bit, hey you may wanna pick up your guy..."
    Channing Frye to Steve Nash: "So what did you think of that commercial I did for that grocery store?"
    Steve Nash to Channing Frye: "You &^%$@ing sucked."

What other elements of the game are there? What am I missing? Help me out, don't make me look like a fool in front of Samsung.

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