1-3? 1-3. The Phoenix Suns are 1 and freaking 3!!! Guys, this team is just not cutting it. I don't know what the difference between this team's roster and last year's is, but there's no way we go 1-3 last year. Anyway, we have problems, and I have solutions. I have come up with several ideas for how to make this team better than the sucky squad they have been.
Here are some trades and other suggestions that would make us better.
1. Trade Hedo Turkoglu and Channing Frye to Miami for Chris Bosh. This trade is the reason the word "obvious" was invented. It's win-win. The Suns get a starting power forward with a reputation as a hard inside presence and the Heat get a "starting power forward" and get to keep Lebron James and Dwyane Wade.
2. Move Earl Clark ahead of Turkoglu and Frye in the rotation. This one is just plain as day. The Suns have already lost 75% of their games and need a spark. Earl is IT! It'll be just like when Max Hall started playing quarterback instead of Derek Anderson. The Suns need to try anything and everything! In related news, let the Skelton Era begin!
3. Sign Karl Malone or Charles Barkley. Like I said, I don't know what the difference between this year's team and last year's team is, but the Suns need a true power forward. Chuck just lost like 97 pounds on P90X or something and Karl Malone has been wearing Skechers shape-ups. And I think this gives them both the best chance to win a ring instead of shelling out 2 bucks for a raffle ticket to win Ron Artest's.
After the jump, 5 more sure-fire ways the Suns can become a better team!
4. The Phantonio Spuns. (h/t to waxmonkey) Since we're all joshing like big and little brothers, this would essentially be activating Wonder Twin Powers, where the Spurs are older by like 2 minutes, but still got all the cool stuff like championship rings because they were born first and mom and dad totally let the Suns juggle knives and eat paint chips because the second ones practically raise themselves.
5. Trade Hedo Turkoglu and Channing Frye to Boston for Kevin Garnett. This trade is the reason the word "obvious" was invented. It's win-win. The Suns get a starting power forward with a reputation as a hard inside presence and the Celtics get a "starting power forward" and get to keep Ray Allen and Paul Pierce.
6. Blame David Stern/The Refs/The Illuminati/The Rain/Rio. While we're on the subject of the Boston Celtics, THIS WAS RED AUERBACH'S SECRET AND I HAVE NOW REVEALED IT TO YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. Because simultaneously being an NBA fan and harboring conspiracy theories about the league being rigged is nothing like waking up and sprinting immediately from one's bed into a masonry brick wall every morning. Also, this is scientificially proven to alter history and make teams better. 9 rings can't be wrong.
7. Spend more money. And it doesn't matter on what! New unis, plusher seats, and hell, maybe even a player or two. The Suns are under the salary cap just like they are every year* because Robert Sarver is a cheap@$$! They should go down to the Free Agent Store and buy some more better players and draft picks. If you're not clearly overspending, then you're not clearly trying to win. If your team is under the salary cap, the terrorists (and the Lakers and Spurs) win.
8. Trade Gani Lawal, Earl Clark, and Garret Siler to Memphis for Marc Gasol. As long as Michael Heisley is in charge, this is actually possible.
Do you have your own similarly awesome and plausible ways to improve the Suns? Unleash constructive hell in the comments!
*Not true, and hasn't been true since his 1st year of ownership.