The Yuletide is upon us people, and I want the world to know that this year I've been quite a giver. Friends, family, wounded animals, homeless people. I've been nice, I've been good. And like any other Suns fan, I've taken a few shots of the kool-aid and I've watched and listened and read and written. It is no secret this team has some serious shortcomings. And that is why I believe I (we) deserve a present for our rabid fandom, love and suffering. So I'm writing my wish list to the Phoenix Suns organization.
I must apologize in advance, I no longer believe in Santa Claus, Hannukah Harry, or Miracles. I do however, believe in EFFORT, DESIRE, AND INTEGRITY. So, my Phoenix Suns, I ask for a bit more of that as I decorate the plastic palm tree in my living room with stringed lights and cheap ornaments purchased from the Dollar Store.
Robin Lopez- Get healthy and get your head straight. I've heard the excuses and it's nothing but your coach and teammates trying not to throw you under the bus. Lopez's first several games weren't so hot as a whole. Nevertheless the Suns go nowhere without a healthy, focused RobLo. If he's healthy enough to play, he's healthy enough to lead the team in rebounds and be a defensive force in the middle. If not, stay on the DL and let's hope Rich Kelly or Rick Roby are feeling spry.
Hakim Warrick-Change your name officially to WarMachine ala Ochocinco. Right, there's nothing similar in you two, but I assume if you have WarMachine on your back, you'll have a great reminder to play some defense and at least act like the 4 the FO thought you could be. Oh and maybe wear a rubberband around your wrist like Charles Barkley. Missing free throws hurts the team, the fans, and it should her you.
Earl Clark- sigh...#1 stop tweeting until Jared Dudley gives you a 3 credit lecture on what to say and what not to say. Tweet about your tough workout, tweet about your love for your team and teammates. Stop tweeting about chicks. That's what text messages are for. I'm sure someone can get you in touch with Brett Favre and give you some tips. #2, do you see what you have in your hands? The opportunity that millions would kill for? Earl? Earl!!? Are you listening to me? #3, play like a number one. Can you? Ugh, nevermind.
Jason Richardson- Stop thinking. stop shaking your head. Play some video games, watch MSU football. You're pressing man, let's get some yoga and deep breathing exercises going. You can do this, we believe in you.
Steve Nash- Stay golden, stay healthy, please. We all know without you, the Suns may win 35 games max, miss the playoffs, and there will be zero reason to show up at a game or turn on the TV to listen to Leander and Bender's ridiculous verbosity.
Grant Hill- I can't ask anything more of you. I just wanted to include you.
Goran Dragic- Stay patient, stay sharp. Why not send some texts to Vujacic's girlfriend while you're waiting for your chance on the bench.
Hedo Turkoglu-Accept the fact that you are a 31 year old role player who needs to come off the bench and NOT play a new position 12 years into your career. Not your fault. Enjoy the sun, you got a fat contract and fans and teammates who want to see you succeed.
Jared Dudley- Use your new found diet and physique to pick up the ladies, not change your game.
Channing Frye- Um well, keep it up, man. They said you couldn't play D, but you're doing alright. But let's end those Fry's commercials, man. Unlike Nash, you have zero future in acting or movies or commercials for grocery stores. And your grandma looks like a man.
Josh Childress-Get healthy, stay aggressive. The Suns need you, I need you. When all this craziness ends maybe we can get an apartment together that smells of rich mahogany. Alright mancrush aside, we realize you ain't the real Josh with a broken digit.
Earl Barron- You're shooting 22%. Make a shot, man. Forget it..Here's some advice: Maybe don't extend the lease on your apartment. Go month to month if you get where I'm going with this.
Suns Dancers- thank you. That is all. Oh, can any of you play a lil' D?
Alvin Gentry- Can you create a defensive oriented 4 out of legos or clay or something?
Lon/Rob/Lance- MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN! Lance are you alive? Do they allow you to speak? Lon: what have you done for me lately? Yeah, thanks for delivering Hedo, a 3 you somehow sold everyone was a 4. Not cool. I know you've been working the phones feverishly and evidently no one wants to help the Suns improve. Try a British accent or something. Bob? Have you been to a game? Did your wife wash your orange foam finger? Those things shrink in the hot water. Nevermind. Look, your job ain't done. How about a little presence, a speech to the fans who are questioning why you picked up 2 3's and an undersized, defensively challenged 4 as an Amar'e replacement.
What did I miss? Help me out BSOTS. Wishes can come true.