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The Smartest Suits in the Building, Act III


def 2: a feeble or ridiculous imitation


Pan into a Denny's booth in Buckeye, AZ. Around the table sit Lon Babby, Alvin Gentry, and Lance Blanks. They are looking at menus despondently.

Gentry (scowling) :  "Lon, what the hell are we doing in this dump?"

Babby:  "We've begun renting out the conference rooms at US Airways for extra cash, we needed to meet somewhere else."

Gentry:  "In Buckeye? I thought they tested missiles out here."

Babby:  "Well when I was a young lad..."

Blanks (scowling): "When was that, before dirt was invented?"

Babby (continuing wistfully): "Buckeye was a boom town, with sun, sand, beaches, earth, stars, young and wondrous, like Steven Nash in his prime!!"

Gentry (to Blanks):   "You got some headphones man?"

Blanks (handing them over): Never hit up a meeting without 2 pair.

In saunters a whistling Robert Sarver, grinning from ear to ear. He attempts to sit down next to Gentry who shakes his head. Still whistling, he attempts to sit on the other end next to Babby, who is enthralled with the menu:

Babby:  "mmmmm....Grand slam breakfast, mmm, sausage and flapjacks, mmmm love the flap..."

Sarver (with raised voice):  "Lon, scoot over, huh?"

Babby (startled): "Right, right, sorry Bob."


Sarver sits down, clears his voice and addresses the table:

Sarver:  "OK gents, good to see you all! Hope you brought your appetites. Hey, this place is nice! Not too many swastikas or naked boobies etched in the table, too!"

A tired old limping waiter approaches the table and asks for orders.

Gentry:  "I'll take the 'Moons Over My Hammy'please and a..."

Sarver (interrupting):
  "Um, Alvin, that's a little pricey, er, could you, you know..."

Gentry (deep sigh):  "Wheat toast, no butter."

Sarver:  "Oh and happy birthday, Alvin! Everyone have you wished Alvin a happy birthday?"

Denny's Waiter (tiredly): "Sir I need to see some ID."

Sarver: "He's um, he lost it, it's gone, say what the hell! I could buy you ten times over, (well maybe only 7 or 8 times now with the economy...) what gives you the right..."

Gentry: "Bob, I'll make up the difference, just leave it alone!"

Babby (oblivious): "I'll have the senior grand slam with a side of prunes, oh and some warm prune juice with lemon. Oh and a side of prunes, too!"

Sarver:  "Alright boys, I know you have a lot of questions for me about the lockout, but before we get to them, I want to introduce someone to you. Please welcome our new team president, Brian Casper!

Blanks (taking the headphones out of his ear): "Whose the fat white guy?"

Gentry: "Isn't it Brad Casper?"

Babby (rising): "Oh Stevie, Stevie, what's become of you, you're short, fat and you cut your hair, you were my sun, my moon, and..."

Sarver(standing and extending his hand): "SIDDOWN LON, eat your prunes. Brad, Brad, Brad, have a seat my good friend."

Casper sits next to Sarver,. He has a large suitcase with him, which he immediately opens.

Casper:  "Gentlemen, thank you very much for the warm welcome, God I love Denny's, thank you Bob, Uncle Lon, good to meet you Mr. West (shaking Blanks' hand), and of course Mike D! (shaking Alvin Gentry's hand), Been tanning?...I'm a huge fan of 17 seconds or less, great excitement back in '05! That Amaray is going to be something! Wow!!! I have something for you all!

Casper proceeds to hand out little gift bags to the confused table, except for Babby, who has fallen asleep on top of a bowl of prunes.

Blanks: "What is this? Hand sanitizer? Travel size shower gel? What, you think I smell bad? Who is this punk?"

Sarver:  "Everyone, I don't think you know how lucky we are to have Bri-er , um, Brad join the team. He's run a billion dollar company into the ground and then later into the hands of a merger with a German competitor, er to great new heights, profitibility and commercialized corporate success! Oooh lookie free deoderant!"

Gentry:  "So Brad, what do you think is the most glaring weakness in the organization?"

Casper: (Rubbing sanitizer through his hair) "Michael, I'm glad you asked me that question. As I said to Bob on his jet as we were coming back from Aruba, it's all about brand recognition these days. The Suns are on the bottom shelf at the NBA-Mart. We need to get them on the top shelf again, the team you see at eye level, so you buy it without thinking and pay more, it's all about product placement-eye level, you get me?"

Sarver (interrupting):  "Hear that? PAY MORE! This guy's great"

Gentry (rubbing his forehead):
  "I, I, what are you talking about? I meant players, the role of ownership and front office, thoughts on the draft, securing new young talent, transitioning from a lottery team back up to division or conference champions! How are you going to run this ship, Brian, Brad, whatever the hell they call you?"

Blanks: "Yeah, what are you gonna do? Wait a minute. Aren't I GM? Can't I? (looks over at the snoring Babby) Oh wait, nevermind."

Puzzled looks all around

  "Have you guys seen those Dial Dancing Dads?! You came up with that, right Brian? Hilarious! Fat, ugly, middle aged men dancing for the masses, now that's creativity, Mike er, Alvin! Did I tell you, Dial is a billion dollar multinational conglomerate that makes the masses smell April fresh?!"

Silence and confusion around the table.

Gentry: "Nevermind that Robert, what about the lockout? Will there be a season? When can we play?"

Blanks:  "Yeah, Bob, I got some ideas for the 2 guard, are you guys ever going to make a deal?"

Denny's Server:  "What about the fans, Sarver?! You're pissing away 40 years of love for the Suns! Why would you do it?"

Sarver eyes Casper. Casper nods approval.

Casper: "Sir, can I interest you in some dial hygiene products?"

Denny's Server: "Wow! Can I use the sanitizer as hair gel? Hey wait a minute!"

Sarver (stands and breaks into a sprint to the door): "EAT AND RUN, EAT AND RUN, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Jumps into the back of a limo and flees in the direction of San Diego.


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