clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Support My Push to be Andy Rooney's Replacement! Oh, And Lockout Update

{Let's get this out of the way: today was another super duper, humungously important day in lockout talks and after the blah blah and the yadda yadda, we're still left with no basketball, the cancellation of the rest of the preseason and, soon, regular season games. More from SBN.}

Now, on to matters less frustrating.

Greetings, Brightsiders. Last week, our esteemed contributor Eutychus announced his bid to become the new Suns sideline social media reporter. I know that Euty has our support, and he'd undoubtedly be fantastic for that job.

But, did you also know that I'm going after a recently vacated media position? Yes, that's right. You've probably seen that the older than dirt venerable Andy Rooney produced his final "A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney" segment for Sunday night's "60 Minutes". The opinionated 138-year old Rooney will no longer be brightening our Sunday evenings with his unique brand of wit, grumpy ramblings and fascinating observations about topics such as rubber bands and magazine covers.

Well, I'd like to replace him. And, wouldn't you enjoy spending a few minutes with East Bay Ray every Sunday evening? Allow me to list my qualifications after the jump. 

I realize we have a lot of younger readers here, and you might not be well-acquainted with Rooney's work. Well, here is a greatest hits compilation. Sorry to inform you, but this youtube clip isn't set to the hip pop music you kids are into these days, the way player highlight videos often are.

And here is why I'm qualified to replace him:

  • I'm easily annoyed, even by things that are totally inconsequential. In one example of many, you should see how angry I get when other drivers don't use their turn signals before turning. The lady with the yapping dog that lives across the parking lot from me? My blood boils.
  • I'm old. I mean, not Rooney old. It's not like I'm a WWI veteran or anything. But readers here have been shocked by my displays of advanced age. 
  • I complain all the time. True story: At work, I was recently chosen along with a few others to meet with management to tell them how recent org changes were working. Why? Because they knew I would complain, and they didn't want any sugar-coating. 
  • I have an opinion on everything, even things nobody else really cares about. If you think Garret Siler is the only arcane topic on which I'll bloviate, you underestimate me. I can provide many testimonials from friends who will tell you about how I've told them in great detail about why I like or don't like a type of food, pets, somebody we mutually know, etc.

While I may be lacking in certain aspects of the role (my eyebrows are merely average length), I really think I'd be the perfect fit. Don't you agree? If so, please mail a letter of support to: 60 Minutes, 524 W. 57th Street, New York, New York, 10019. I'm sure many of you would like to send an e-mail or go to a website to vote or something like that, but that's not how Rooney rolls. Actually, it's best if you send a note that you wrote by hand, using a quill pen or, at the very least, one that was typed on a manual typewriter circa 1957.

Thanks for your support!

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Bright Side of the Sun Daily Roundup newsletter!

A daily roundup of Phoenix Suns news from Bright Side of the Sun