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Suns Chanukah Shopping – Eight Gifts The Suns Need!

Black Monday might be over, but there is plenty of time to get out and pick up the gifts that keep on giving. Here is a Phoenix Suns wish list.

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PJ TUCKER - The Gift That Keeps On Giving!
PJ TUCKER - The Gift That Keeps On Giving!
Jennifer Stewart-US PRESSWIRE

I don’t know about you, but I like Chanukah. I also like Hanukah, Hanukkah, and even Chanukkah! Not only for its superfluity of spelling options, but also for plethora of gifts one can amass. You see, us Jews get one gift for each night of however you spell it-akah. [I would have said ‘we Jews’ if not for both my short-man syndrome and distaste for proper grammar].

So, in that spirit, here are eight gifts I would like to bestow upon our Phoenix Suns.

Guardian Gear Nylon Muzzle - Black

FOR: Marcin Gortat

All your blabbery and what do we get from it; one night of impassioned play followed by inconsistency. DUDE, you are playing for a contract [now that you declined your extension], so put on the muzzle Marcin, and let your game speak for itself.

Heavy-Duty Auto Jumper Cables - 20-Ft Length

FOR: Our Starters

We are -50 points with a 3-10-1 first quarter record. Our third quarters are similarly bad [-33 with a 5-7-2 record]. Conversely our 2nd [+32 8-4-2] and 4th [+19 8-6] quarters. We are having a problem getting the engine to turnover, but once it is started, it will run great until we make a pit stop, then it won’t start again. It could be the alternator or just a dead battery. Either way, jumper cables can get the thing going.

Ipad Mini

FOR: Alvin Gentry

What better way to quickly check for some easy stats to determine who should be playing. Tops on the team is PJ Tucker, with a +69, a team best .98 defensive rating, and a record of 9-3 when he is on the floor. O’Neal comes in second [+36, .99 DR, 5-2], while Beasley is dead last [with a whopping -104, team worst 1.19 DR and 3-10]. He can also check his 5-man units and realize that the Dragic-Dudley-Beasley-Scola-Gortat lineup has played to overwhelming majority of minutes [39%, more than 4 times the minutes of the next group] despite that group producing a team worst -68 and a 3-8 record. Access to that information over the LTE version of the Ipad Mini might give him that extra knowledge quick enough to sit Beasley and play Tucker.

Scathing Photos of Robert Sarver

FOR: PJ Tucker

Let’s face it, the guy needs to be on the floor, the number don’t lie. Yet despite the fact he is getting more time lately, and in crunch time, he needs to no longer be considered the "hustle" guy, and move into the "glue" guy role. I mean, if Bruce Bowen can start and play big minutes on championship level teams, Tucker warrants more minutes here and Beasley should be sitting on the bench next to Wes Johnson. Yet still he remains in the starting lineup and continues to gobble up uninspired minutes that do more damage than good. Maybe if Tucker had some evidence he could use to blackmail Sarver into forcing Gentry to play him, we might see better results.

Russian Bride

FOR: Goran Dragic

For some reason, I get the feeling Goran still lacks confidence at times. While his play has been consistent [and good], I would love to see some swagger from that guy. I want to see him demanding the ball from his teammates and not settling into running off to the weakside when dumb and dumber are handling the ball [guess who is who and you win a prize]. What better way to get some swagger than a Russian bride [or at least borrowing one for a few nights].

Basketball For Dummies

FOR: Robert Sarver, Lon Babby and Lance Blanks

I wrote an article in March extolling the virtue of being proactive in regards to moving players and making trades. The theory was that the market for players often heats up to its highest point right before something causes that player to drop rapidly from relevance. Back then I suggested trading Gortat amid a period where Suns fans were most coveting of the big man.

Again in July, I strongly urged consideration for making this trade, much to the chagrin of my BSOTS brethren. Now, Gortat has gone and shot his mouth off, declined his extension and played like crap. Suns leverage = disappeared. So, for the Suns front office, you need this book.

Recombinant DNA Machine

FOR: The Suns Roster

While I am not sure if you can buy this on Amazon [frankly I wouldn’t be that shocked, you can buy almost anything there]. Wouldn’t it be great? Imagine being able to take DNA from two sources and combining it to make a brand new cloned player. While this could spark a whole different kind of debate [and a fun one at that], I would take some DNA from both players and create Markieff Tucker, superstar power forward.

One Go-To Superstar Player

FOR: The Fans

One guy that causes teams to game plan for. One guy that efficiently scores, gets to the line, and keeps the offense flowing. One guy that can defend multiple positions, knows how to help, and has the aggressive streak you need to lead the defensive charge. You add that guy to this roster and in the words of George Costanza, "SOLID GOLD, JERRY!"

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