Phoenix Suns New Year's Resolutions

It is that time of the year when we all decide to promise to make major changes in our lives knowing full well that we will never ever even attempt to live up to those promises. I have already pledged to pretend to do the following:

• Lose 30 lbs by eating right and exercising more [as I take a sip of Coke and eat that third donut from Krispy Kreme]…
• Show more patience and calmness when my daughter talks back to me [as I scream at her to stop bugging me while I am working - as donut flies out of my mouth]
• Be a better listener when my wife talks to me about whatever the hell she was saying…
• Spend more time working on my business and less time watching and analyzing basketball games [as I set my DVR for tonight’s game and am ready with my notepad]

So now that we covered everything I could do next year [but really won’t], let’s all look at what every Suns player has committed themselves to change for the New Year [although I have no real clue what they would actually say]:

Goran Dragic: says that he will promise to be the player he started the year out as [intense, all-star quality on both ends of the floor], and not the player he has been over the past month [no better than an average backup player].

Marcin Gortat: Promises to not throw rocks inside glass houses, keep his mouth zipped and find some sort of consistent effort all next year.

Luis Scola: Plans on wearing better looking hair gear and to stop pushing his hair behind his ears incessantly.

Michael Beasley: Pledges to play well enough off the bench so that other teams will inquire about him at the deadline.

Shannon Brown: Promises that for every amazingly athletic play he successfully makes, he will only make one incredibly bone headedly stupid and pathetic play [down from his current ratio of 1:10].

Sebastian Telfair: Will stop trying to prove he can score and stick with the defensive intensity that made us believe he was becoming a solid backup point guard.

P.J. Tucker: Vows to work on his shooting and ball handling skills so that he can eventually become a believable and viable starter next season.

Markieff Morris: assures us he will stop playing soft and focus on attacking the rim, rebounding with abandon, defending like P.J. Tucker and be the PF that we need.

Kendall Marshall: to defy all the naysayers and show that the one elite skill he has can actually bring value to the table by producing net positive results when given playing time.

Channing Frye: To spend all his time worrying about a healthy life and not worrying about basketball.

Diante Garrett: Plans to work out more and get stronger so he can actually become the backup point guard we thought Marshall would be - but unfortunately for someone else.

Luke Zeller: Promises to say nice things about the Suns to all his new teammates wherever he plays next year.

Wesley Johnson: Promises to say nice things about the Suns to all his new office mates wherever he works next year [get it… Works! Office mates! See what I did there...]

Jared Dudley: Pledges to keep on, keepin on!

Alvin Gentry: Promises to play Beasley and Brown less minutes and not on the floor together, play Beasley at the PF spot only, find more minutes for J. O’Neal, gets the lineup of Dragic, Dudley, Tucker, Scola and O’Neal on the floor a whole lot more, and light into the guys a lot more for their poor effort at times.

Lon Babby: Promises somehow to screw this team up even more by trading for Rip Hamilton, who will go on to help us win a few more games in order to worsen our draft position slightly, then leave us for nothing, then trading Gortat and Dudley in the summer for some overpaid high volume scoring wing that plays no defense.

Robert Sarver: Promise to sell the team to Charles Barkley.