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Phoenix Suns' Brilliant Blueprint

The genius plan to rebuild the Suns started with Nash and is trucking along just fine, thank you. It just takes a good imagination.

If you can't beat em, join em and tank em!
If you can't beat em, join em and tank em!
Stephen Dunn

Editor's note: Jason opines on a possible explanation to the whole Suns scenario of a past six months. He has no inside knowledge of the Suns' machinations - this story is entirely of his own divinations without corroboration with any in the Suns' front office.

Sure we are all upset that the current version of our Suns team is performing less than admirably. Yeah, we don’t like how Gentry got let go and replaced by a guy with no experience over a couple of well-heeled veterans of the sidelines. We are mad about all of the questionable acquisitions. And don’t get us started about Sarver.

You could say that the trio of Sarver, Babby and Blanks have really done a number on this franchise. They ushered out two all-time greats and Suns favorites in lieu of obligating themselves to Michael Beasley.

They traded Goran Dragic, a first round pick, and essentially Aaron Brooks for… Goran Dragic [that has to be the weirdest series of events surrounding one player in NBA transaction history]??? That deserves more than three question marks, don’t you think???

They drafted the future point guard that has yet to get on the floor for more than ten minutes only twice and has played in only one quarter of the games so far.

They attempted to sign a stud shooting guard despite the fact that the other team’s GM stated unequivocally that he would castrate himself on national television without anesthesia if they did not match [OK, I am being melodramatic here, but seriously, that was like some dork walking up to a supermodel to ask her out, her sending 5 bouncers over to pummel him, yet dude still thinks there is a chance and waits for her outside in the parking lot].

But what you don’t realize is that this was their plan all along, and it is working brilliantly!

"What?" you say.

What seems a disorganized, discombobulation of a dismantling is actually a masterful master plan.

You see, the three wise men understood something none of us have been able to comprehend. They all knew that this team [as of last year] was done and that there will be several years of hardship ahead unless they do something about it. Thus, they crafted a conniving and scheming plan to hold the Suns world hostage for one million dollars. Um, wait.

You see, Nash really is not a traitor. His comments prior to the deal that had him cringing at the thought of being in a Laker jersey were honest and true. In fact, the Suns front office approached Nash with this devious plan and at first he was against it. But he realized that despite how crazy it was, it might actually work, thus securing his legacy as the Suns most treasured player in history.

The idea was for Nash to do a complete 180 and "ask" to sign with the Lakers. We would then balk at it for a while until the Lakers put up four picks, one of which would be a lottery pick in this summer’s draft. Normally, teams protect those picks from transferring in case they are in the lottery. But the Suns front office convinced the Lakers that adding Nash will catapult them into a championship, and the likelihood that the pick would be in the lottery was slim to none. Genius!

What the Lakers did not know was that Nash planned all along to tank the Lakers season so that the Suns get a lottery pick. He met with Dwight Howard and, in accordance with the plan hatched by Sarver, Babby and Blanks, decided to "injure" themselves so that the Lakers would struggle mightily. Then, it was decided that Howard would begin to complain and fight with Kobe, because, well he is Kobe. Eventually, Nash would convince Kobe to play point guard and move him to the 2. It is all working according to the plan.

Meanwhile, the front office trio of the Suns made sure that the Suns roster was filled with enough paper talent to look as though they were making moves to "improve" [mini-me quotation signs], all while knowing that their moves will only hasten the decent into the cellar and move up the lotto ladder. Yet the front office decided that keeping Gentry around might mean the team would fare better than expected, so they decided to fire Gentry and replace him with a guy that has never coached anywhere, all but assuring this team will sink faster than Mel Gibson’s career. They did get a little nervous there for a minute when Hunter produced some wins, but they hinted at playing Beasley and Brown more minutes so that they can assure losses going forward.

I cannot tell you what kind of evil genius mind it takes to come up with a plan so twisted. It makes that movie Inception look simplistic and boring. Kudos to the Suns front office and Steve Nash. Your plan is working marvelously. Soon we will have both the #1 pick, and another pick in the 12-14 range. And they keep coming in 2014 and 2015. By 2016, we will have 5-7 lottery picks on our roster and well on our way to a championship. At that point, Nash will come back to us, having accomplished his undercover mission, as a hero and we shall raise his jersey to the rafters with pride.

Now I have to go put down the mushrooms and get to work!

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