clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

If the Phoenix Suns were professional wrestlers what would their names be? (Yeah, we are doing this, okay)

New, comments

FULL DISCLOSURE: This has no merit and is just for laughs. Enjoy. (Maybe)

Anthony Gruppuso-USA TODAY Sports

Entertainment at sporting events is hit or miss, at best. There is no exact science to get the perfect blend of music, fun, and family values in a game where the demographics are all over the place. At the first pre-season game for the Phoenix Suns they had an on the surface boring concept for a fan interaction contest.

The question was, "If Eric Bledsoe was a professional wrestler what would he call himself?"

Don't as what the choices were or what he decided, because that is besides the point. It was something cliche, pun driven, and terrible I'm sure. That was because the Suns did not tap into the resources and ocean of nonsense that is the internet. Instead of letting Bledsoe come up with his name they should have let the experts do the work for them, because oh my, the experts delivered with Bledsoe's name!

"The Nigerian Stink Snake"

That gave me, a wrestling fan, a brilliant idea to see who on the Suns roster would have the best wrestling name using the Pro Wrestling Name Generator.

This is a nifty tool whether you like wrestling or not. Coming from "Atomic Gravy" this is a cool tool. It allows one to get their wrestling name, or if you want to be a lucha libre there is that, as well as a diva name if that is your thing. Like I said, we are doing this, so buckle up and enjoy the WWSuns roster for what it is worth. I ran through and ranked the name through the lens of a nearly 20+ year wrestling fan. With Survivor Series around the corner pick your five and let's have ourselves a good old fashioned 5-on-5 elimination match!

For fun, or whatever:

  1. Head Coach Jeff Hornacek: Chief Sol (There is no debate here, right? Chief Sun for the head coach of the Phoenix Suns)
  2. P.J. Tucker: Grim Scarface (I can just see Tucker coming out to some borderline Undertaker music with a skull mask, elaborate trench coat, and powerbombing fools through the ring)
  3. Owner Robert Sarver: Demolition Ballbuster (Longtime Suns fans, enter your own jokes here _____)
  4. General Manager Ryan McDonough: Cerebral Crippler (Wrestling personas are like real life personas ramped up to 11, this name is fitting)
  5. Assistant Coach Mike Longabardi: Gran Dulce (Big Sweet) (Ironic names are fun)
  6. Miles Plumlee: Sweet Preacher (Give him the black shirt and white collar already to make this official, like, under his jersey right now)
  7. Zoran Dragic: Ivan Brit (Giving a foreign wrestler a different foreign gimmick is classic professional wrestling so making the Slovenian British is too perfect)
  8. Shavlik Randolph: Vanilla Hound (Picture Randolph wearing those clothes the super white kids at your high school used to wear to look cool and meet girls, but accomplishes neither. That)
  9. Alex Len: Matt Terminator (A 7-foot foreigner that comes in and goes on a rampage like Ivan Drago in Rocky IV)
  10. Archie Goodwin: Wham Bam Sid (The fresh cut Wham Bam Sid jumping off the top rope and dancing and entertaining and just having a good 'ol time)
  11. Gerald Green: Bobo Blazer (When the Bobo Blazer gets hot there is no stopping him and he is one hot tag away from hitting you with the Finger Discount for the win)
  12. Isaiah Thomas: Amarillo Oso (Yellow Bear) (Does he wear a costume? Is he a mascot? With a lucha libre name he is definitely wearing a mask and being a pest)
  13. Goran Dragic: Rodeo Zodiac (Giving his opponents their astrological signs as he tilt-a-whirls them to their ultimate fate)
  14. Tyler Ennis: Strident Striker (Nerd glasses, prep school outfit, and thirst for knowledge inside and outside of the ring. Doling out lessons one match at a time)
  15. Eric Bledsoe: Nigerian Stink Snake (When I first read this I thought it said "Nigerian Night Snake," which I was sooooo on board with)
  16. Marcus Morris: Dash Bomber & Markieff Morris: Voracious Earthquake (Going to just make them a tag-team, because you all know their story. Dash & Quake are here to cause some havoc, hid the women and children)
  17. Anthony Tolliver: King Kong Primate (I'm not sure what to do with this one...)
  18. T.J. Warren: Testy Coward (So he is a cowardly heel and I do not know what Warren did to make the bosses mad with this name. Geez)
  19. President of Basketball Operations Lon Babby: Strident Grinder (Poor Babby, low on #SUNSRANK and gets the worst wrestling name of the bunch)

So why not do the BSOTS staff while we are at it:

  • Dave King: Phoenix Wraith (From Phoenix, perfection)
  • Kristofer Habbas: Atomic Gravy
  • Jim Coughenour: Apex Dragon
  • Sean Sullivan: Duke Champ
  • Jacob Padilla: Jack Satan
  • Bryan Gibberman: Nigerian Ballbuster (You follow Gibby on Twitter, right?)
  • Sreekar Jasthi: Dirty Assassin
  • Ray Hrovat: Ponderous Apollo
  • Seth Pollack: King Shredder (Because he is the boss, brilliant)
  • Rollin Mason: Dirty Python
  • Geoff Allen: Nasty Sol (Nasty sun, yo)
  • Keith Scheessele: Lex Death
  • Michael Lisboa: Boorish Claymore
  • Kellan Olson: Canadian Lapetus
  • Matija Ravnikar: Grizzly Valentine
  • Austin Elmer: Demolition War Bringer

Which member of the Suns had your favorite wrestling name? Which BSOTS staffer? Oh, and what is yours?