With the terribly sad news of Dionte Christmas being waived by the Phoenix Suns I was motivated to do a re-telling of a Christmas classic. In the spirit of haremoor's 'Twas the Night Before (Dionte) Christmas, Jim Coughenour's How Sarver Stole Christmas, and Mike Lisboa's The Night Before Christmas, I present to you How the McGrinch Cut Christmas.
Note: I apologize for nothing.
How the McGrinch Cut Christmas
Every Suns fan in Phoenix likes Dionte Christmas a lot
But the McGrinch who lived just north of Phoenix, DID NOT.
The McGrinch hated Dionte Christmas! Hated Dionte Christmas the whole 2013-14 season!
Now please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his player evaluation skills weren't just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, His skills or his shoes,
He stood there on the eve of Dionte Christmases contract becoming guaranteed, hating the news
Staring down from his office with a sour, McGrinchy frown,
At the happy little Suns fans below in their town
For he knew every Suns fan down in Phoenix beneath,
Was busy now, hanging a Dionte Christmas-themed wreath.
"And they're hanging their game-used Dionte Christmas cheering towels!" he snarled with a sneer,
"They love Dionte Christmas! He's practically here (for the next season)!"
Then he growled, with his McGrinch mind nervously yearning,
"I MUST find some way to stop Dionte Christmas from returning!"
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Suns fan girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for the internet to purchase celebratory Dionte Christmas-themed toys!
And then! Oh, the cheers! Oh, the cheers!
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
That's one thing he hated! The Cheers!
Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!
Then the Suns fans, young and old, would sit down for an Dionte Christmas honoring feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd feast!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Suns-pudding, and rare Suns-roast beast.
Which was something the McGrinch couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Sun down in Sunsville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Dionte Christmas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Suns fans would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the McGrinch thought of this Suns Dionte Christmas singing,
The more the McGrinch thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why for 1 year I've put up with it now!"
"I must stop this Dionte Christmas from returning! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The McGrinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
"I know just what to do!" the McGrinch laughed in his throat
And he pulled out a contract and began to gloat
And he chuckled, and clucked "What a great McGrinchy trick!"
"With this contract and my power, I'm basically a dick"
"All I need is a lawyer..." the McGrinch looked around.
But, since lawyers are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old McGrinch? No! The McGrinch simply said,
"If I can't find a lawyer, I'll find a former one instead"
So he called his friend, Lon. Then he took some black thread,
And he built a fancy suit on which no agent would tread.
Then he loaded a briefcase and thought up some old con
He jumped into his luxury car and he hitched up old Lon.
Then the McGrinch said "Giddyup" And the car started down,
Toward the home of Dionte Christmas asnooze in the town.
All their windows were dark. Punishing heat filled the air.
All the Suns fans were all dreaming sweet thoughts of Dionte Christmas without care.
When he came to the Dionte's little house on the square.
"This is the stop," the old McGrinchy hissed,
And he climbed to the roof, the non-guaranteed contract in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But, if RC Buford could do it, then so could the McGrinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue.
Where the game used Dionte Christmas towels all hung in a row.
"These game used Dionte Christmas Towels," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every present!
Slava Jerseys! And Marcus Morris tshirts! Ish Smith skates! Barbosa themed drums!
Alex Len warmups! PJ Tucker bobbleheads! Al McCoy microphones! And Miles Plumlee plums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the McGrinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took Dionte's feast!
He took the Suns-pudding! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that McGrinch even took their last bag of Suns-hash (left by Michael Beasley)!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the McGrinch, "I will take Dionte's roster spot with me!"
And the McGrinch searched for Dionte, ready to cut him,
When he heard a small sound like a player coming home from the gym.
He turned around fast, and didn't know just what to do.
It was Dionte Christmas himself, who was preparing to enter year two.
The McGrinch had been caught offguard by this current Suns player,
Who'd been out all night searching for a soothsayer.
He stared at the McGrinch and said, "McGrinchy, why,"
"Why have you apparently robbed me? WHY?"
But, you know, that old McGrinch was so smart and so slick,
He just told him the truth, and he told him real quick!
"Why, my sweet little Dionte," the McGrinch confessed,
"I've come for your roster spot, you'll no longer be a Sun."
"So I'm ending your contract, enough with the fun."
Dionte was crushed, he didn't know what to do.
In fact his first instinct was perhaps to sue.
At that point Lon Babby appeared, looking all quirky.
"Sorry Dionte, perhaps you can play in Turkey."
The former Temple star was understandably sad and his head then sunk
It would appear McGrinch would have the last slam dunk.
Typically in this story things begin to improve
And I suppose that depends on perspective since Dionte Christmas can now play closer to the Louvre
Happy endings are for children and there's none here to use.
If you find yourself missing Dionte just reach for the booze.