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Going Gorilla: Epic Rap Battles of History - a Phoenix Suns edition

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In this Epic Rap Battles of History spoof (can you actually spoof a... spoof?) Rollin Mason and I duel over the state of the Phoenix Suns offseason moves (or lack thereof). Rollin takes the side of extolling the team's successes while I, with my sunny disposition, rail against the failures. Just like the real ERB this is rated PG-13.

This guy can spit rhymes.
This guy can spit rhymes.
Image provided by Dustin Watson

Whether you like them or not most of you have probably seen at least one edition of Epic Rap Battles of History.

The series has over 10 million subscribers on the YouTube channel and has achieved more than 1 billion total views. Each of the videos averages about 30 million views. If you haven't seen one of them I suggest taking a look before proceeding to the rap battle below to help you further enjoy the duel.

The rap battle subject is the Suns offseason. Rollin takes the positive and I take the negative.

The content below is rated PG-13 for mild profanity.




Rollin Mason vs. Jim Coughenour!




Jim Coughenour:

Just like your name Rollin, the Suns have been laying bricks

With player relations because they're acting like dicks

Channing Frye left with animosity and snark

I'm pretty sure he hopes the Suns get bit by a shark

The Suns must not care much about DUI prevention

Mailing Super X his paychecks while he's stuck on home detention

Seeing that they knew what happened made it quite a shock

When they gave him $16 million to pay for his ignition interlock

There may have been an overestimation with McD

Because this summer he's pulled off as many trades as me

On draft night he just wasn't able to perform

We'll have to ask his new fiance whether that's the norm

There was talk about spending money, there was talk about being bold

Of course that didn't happen, the lip service is getting old

After the empty promises Sarver should expect whiplash

Since his mouth is writing checks that his ass can't cash

The botched contract situation has left Robert instigating

in the media where he has been shamelessly negotiating

The express lane to ruin must be pretty damn frustrating

Just like you feel in this rap battle 'cause I'm fucking regulating

The Suns offseason is a failure, don't even try to defend it

Or I'll repackage this ass whipping I just laid on you and resend it


Rollin Mason:

Cokedog, stop spewing that smog

It's a sunny day here on the Bright Side blog

With all your bitching I'm begging you please

Take your head out your ass and see the forest for the trees

LeBron James ain't walking through that door

So wipe those tears from your face and pick your lip off the floor

IT gonna drop 3's and bring suckas to their knees

When he smokes them like Beasley in a house made of weed

He'll hit you quick like my rhymes and rock your soul like a power ballad

And he technically was traded (so your 10th line is invalid)

Channing Frye does his thing when he's stretching the floor

But would YOU wanna pay that fool when he's 34?

EB wants that scrilla but he's a stone cold killa

He'll be thrillin' muthafuckas like Ali in Manila

As for Warren, they'll need to start a commission

To investigate how this kid is so bitchin'

Like magic bullets and grassy knolls

This kid is the truth and the truth must be told

I know you got that prime vernacular

But you're gonna need to work on your cardiovascular

To keep up with me, cause I'm a disciple of McD

Planting the seeds for my dynasty



Seriously Rollin, is that all you got?

Your rhyming was less coherent than a Plumlee hook shot

And they don't even have anyone to back up Miles

Since last year's number five pick seems to break bones when he smiles

Not even the Kings wanted the Suns new joy and pride

They said to tell him he must be this tall to ride the ride

And now it looks like Bledsoe just might take the one year deal

The Phoenix Suns are less attractive than a roulette wheel

This entire franchise is just going down in flames

You can get a college degree in between Suns playoff games

But you won't need one since I'm already taking you back to school

So pay close attention and learn how to rap duel

They've made it so the fans in Phoenix just don't give a damn

Now I'll finish this shit off with an Al McCoy Shazam!



Pass the mic, Jim ... go get yourself a beer

I haven't vomited like that since Vinsanity was here

Get a couple shots too, cause this shit is going on

I'm like a dozen German Shepherds droppin' doobers on your lawn

Better watch your pasty ass when you talkin' about IT

Cause he knows hesitation dribbles, tae kwon do and tai chi

He's the fastest in the West at delivering pizza

And who the fuck did you expect? (don't say Trevor Ariza)

McPimpin' Dat Asset sitting proudly on his throne

Renouncing Satan just like Michael Corleone

Cause it's all in the game when you're building a contender

Gotta take a few steps back to appreciate the splendor

We're itching for that championship, hey man I know how it be

But you sound like Nancy Kerrigan, clutching at her knee

I got that PMA, and I'm blowing up the tracks

And like my man Bob Dylan, I ain't never lookin' back


Who Won?


Who's Next?


You Decide!