If I were any kind of NBA writer, I'd spill a couple hundred words here about the transcendent nature of Steph Curry and this Golden State Warriors basketball team and how these old-timers who keep throwing shade their way need to shut up and have a drink.
I would also maybe throw in a couple hundred other words about how this iteration of the Phoenix Suns is really bad, but the franchise is actually no worse off that it was three years ago (maybe even better off), and that every one who is salty about a handful of losing seasons probably also needs to shut up and have a drink.
But I am not any kind of an NBA writer, and all of that other stuff has been beaten to death over the last six months... so, let's shut up and have a drink. Lots of them. Maybe all of them.
I give to you the "Bright Side of the Sun Super Extreme Drinking Game" to help you cope with 17 more games of hard-to-watch basketball. With out further ado, the rules:
- Pour one out for @Espo. Before we get into the business of frivolously wasting our beverages, let's take a minute to acknowledge that Greg Esposito, the voice of the Phoenix Suns's social media, is stepping down. He's been fun and clever and engaging and I hope he continues to do great things.
- Let's start things off on a positive note. Take a drink in celebration of every made Devin Booker 3-pointer.
- Enough of that. Take a drink every time Brandon Knight either fires up a long jumper in the first 8 seconds of the shot clock or dribbles down until the last 5 seconds of the shot clock.
- Take a drink every time Steph Curry does something that makes you question reality.
- Hey! Whoa! Was that another Alex Len double-double? Finish your drink.
- Actually, any Suns player double-double, finish your drink.
- The Warriors get a handicap here... Any Dubs player gets a triple-double, finish your drink.
- Got no idea what Steve Albert is talking about? Me neither. Have a drink.
- Why did the Suns cut Sonny Weems? Because he was stunting Archie Goodwin's growth... into the next Sonny Weems. Take a drink every time Archie does something excellent followed by something Weem-tacular. You don't like this one because Goodwin is obviously better than Weems? Too bad. Click the link and finish your drink.
- Which Alex Len is out there tonight? The 30-point a game rainmaker or the turnover prone klutz? ¿Por que no los dos? Have a drink every time Alex Len commits a turnover or makes a mid-range jumper.
- Alan Williams and Phil Pressey are on 10-day contracts. Did they score more than 10 points? Finish your drink!
- Devin Booker just smiled. At you. Have a drink.
- Brandon Knight just turned the ball over. At you. Have a drink.
- Are you not able to watch the game? Are you listening to the radio broadcast? Then have a drink on behalf of Al McCoy who is carrying on like a damn soldier this season.
- Has Earl Watson been quoted? Did he mention love, unity, loyalty, trust or some other intangible leadership quality that makes you inexplicably uncomfortable? Finish your drink.
- Individually, they are Jon Leuer, Mirza Teletovic, and Chase Budinger. Together, they are the very stoppable POWDER FORWARD. Drink a toast to dated 90s references. Finish your drink if one of them successfully conjures lightning.
- The Warriors just took a 40 point lead. Finish your drink.
- You think I forgot about P.J. Tucker? I didn't forget about P.J. Tucker. Take a drink every time he misses a wide open corner 3. Finish it if he successfully leads a fast break.
- Did you just remember that time the Phoenix Suns (with Steve Kerr as their GM) had a trade in place for Steph Curry, but the Golden State Warriors backed out. Drink to forget.
- Yay, Twin Towers! Drink every time Tyson Chandler or Alex Len blocks a shot. Sadly, this is only good for about 1.5 drinks per game. :/
- I hate to pick on Brandon Knight, but he just got crossed over like 4 times on that one play. Drink.
- Did Ronnie Price just hustle? OF COURSE RONNIE PRICE JUST HUSTLED. He got a steal, too. Have a drink.
- Is the game so boring you just surfed over to Draft Express? Finish your drink and keep watching. The Warriors are making history and there's only 16 more of these things left.
- Did an announcer just mention that the Phoenix Suns give up the highest 3-point percentage in the league, while the Warriors shoot the best 3 point percentage in the league? Finish your drink.
- You're a Suns fan. Have a drink because you deserve one.