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Jared Dudley has some new digs

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A modest mansion for a modest man.

Jared Dudley

It pays to be a capable player in today’s NBA. Even veterans that are beginning to say goodbye to their primes are cashing in big time.

In related news, Jared Dudley and his wife, Christina, just bagged a Paradise Valley home that eclipses the 6,000 square-foot plateau. After signing a 3-year/$30 million deal this summer, Dudley can assuringly afford the hefty $2.3 million price tag of the home. In fact, I feel like this purchase could even be characterized as a bit modest.

Here are some quick observations:

  • Fireplaces only reside within the master bedroom, living areas, and the backyard — feels like he could have pushed for one in the home gym as he shoots flames through the twine. (Too cheesy? Sorry.)
  • There is only a five-car garage ... What is Duds supposed to do with his new toys? Limit himself to only five like some NBA benchwarmer? It’s risky leaving your car out in this puncturing Arizona heat. Anything over the two minute mark and you bear the risk of third-degree burns on either your hands, fingers, and upper thighs. (I just had my rear view mirror melt off of my windshield last month. No joke.)
  • I will say: the 4,000 bottle wine cellar is a solid touch. I always had a sense that Dudley was a big wine guy, and I assume that having that much inventory ought to play well with the wife. Take notes fellas, we can all learn from this move.
  • I am not quite sure what a beach walk-in pool is, but I sure as hell would like one someday.
  • Is there a chance that by “beach walk-in” they literally mean there is sand and then you walk into the water as if you were on the beach? Or could it mean that there are simulated waves within the pool? So many questions.
  • I got it: a beach walk-in pool means that the beach experience is brought to you at home! Now you can enjoy all that sand in your hair and many orifices, epic sun burn, and those pesky seagulls stealing that bratwurst you just barbecued right from your hands. Nailed it.
  • Wouldn’t it be cool to have your own office/library and fill it with a ton of space wasting books that you either read, want to read, or just bought to impress the oodles of company you are going to have over at your mansion? Nothing beats the overwhelming stench of used books. It adds a certain prestige to any home, and immediately gives off the impression that you are a distinguished absorber of knowledge.
  • The fact that the library has its own separate entrance would probably make it a killer hide-and-seek hiding place.
  • I feel like there is more to this house that we are not being enlightened with. There has to be some other kick-ass features like an elevator that leads to the wine cellar or something.

Jokes aside, it is fantastic to have Dudley back in Phoenix again for the next three years and (hopefully) beyond. He is a great dude that loves the community and deserves everything he has been given because it has most definitely been earned.

Cheers to the new digs!