Greetings, all! Deadpoolio here, taking a break from sunning my perineum to tell you about an exciting new offer!
As you should already know by now, Bright Side Night is almost upon us, with Dave doggedly shaking you lot down for donations to send less privileged kids to a Phoenix Suns game on Jan. 7. It's a fantastic cause that readers of this site should be proud to be shaken down for. I know I, for one, have been shaken down for far lesser causes.
I donated, of course, as have many of you. However, after doing so, I couldn't help but feel I hadn't done enough. This longing to do more crept over me until I resolved then and there to donate another 2,000 tickets! That'd feel consequential! But after my financial advisers forcibly restrained me and explained how numbers work — specifically those in my bank account — I was obligated to seek out alternatives. And that's when I hit upon this idea.
For the rest of this decade (meaning now through Dec. 31, 2019 at 11:59:59 p.m. MST), everyone who donates even ONE ticket to this season's Bright Side Night effort and then returns to this story and posts in the comments will be entered in a raffle to have ME write a story of YOUR choosing.
You heard me right. I will write about whatever topic you want so long as Dave doesn't veto it. It doesn't even have to be Suns related. I can explain my deep disdain for the Minnesota Timberwolves roster. I can write about the life cycle of the blue tit. I can do your college term paper. The only limit is your imagination!
This might be my greatest idea yet. Combining my vast popularity with your wallets, we could potentially sell out an entire ROW! Well, wait, I think a row is about 20 seats, give or take. Better make that an entire QUARTER OF A ROW! That ain't nothing, folks. By definition it's not.
- You MUST make an actual donation between now and Dec. 31, 2019 at 11:59:59 p.m. MST. You're on your honor.
- You MUST post your comment to this story by Dec. 31, 2019 at 11:59:59 p.m. MST.
- You MUST include the Phrase That Pays in your comment: "My name's [YOUR NAME HERE], and I'm jumping in the Dead Pool!" (And while this is not an official rule, I would enjoy it if you also said it aloud as you hit the Donate button, the louder and more disruptive to those around you the better.)
Once the entry window has closed, I will choose one poster at random as the winner. How will I choose? Well, I don't know yet. But rest assured that I am consulting with the top minds in South American politics to ensure a fair process. Once I determine the winner, I will ask that person for their topic in the comments. That person will reply, some time will pass as the magic happens, and...presto! A story of that person's choosing, all for the cost of a single ticket.
"But Dead," you hypothetically say, "didn't the Supreme Court rule in Citizens United that money equals speech? And with that being so, shouldn't I get extra entries if I donate more tickets?"
You're funny. Look, I'm not gonna stop you from donating two tickets, or four tickets, or 2,000 tickets if you're so inclined nor will I neglect to take credit for spurring said donations if you do. But this contest is primarily for those who feel like crap that they can't do more to help causes they care about, for those who wonder if their minimum donation is even worth it. (And for those who've always wanted to tell me what to do.) Because it is worth it, Steve. It is worth it.
Sure, you might be helping ONLY one kid — a kid you won't even get to pick (although I'm not opposed to a Hunger Games-style winnowing process). But you're still doing something good for someone who might otherwise not have something good happen for them.
A few years back, I wrote that I was once to be on the receiving end of a program similar to this when I was a kid but was unable to go to the game because I was sick. It's the reason I still give what I can to causes like this. I still remember not going to that game...and I can only imagine what the memory of actually going would've been like.
One ticket isn't much, that's true. But it can mean a ton to one person.